Tuesday, December 13, 2011

2011 Christmas Letter

So I'm posting our Christmas Letter online this year.  Mainly cause I'm being lazy and don't want to go to the post office with four kids.  This year’s Christmas letter is a poem that absolutely does not rhyme. It started out like T’was the Night Before Christmas, and ended up more like Dr.Suess. I hope you enjoy!

T’was a night in December when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring…
Except for mom
Who sat down to write this ridiculous poem.
All about this years wonderful things
All about what this past year brings.

The greatest achievement that mom had this year
Was having a baby bounce out of her rear
And what was dad’s achievement from this year past?
Making a job finally last!

Kamri is seven such a delight,
She sings and she dances all day and all night.
In the Nutcracker suite as an angel and mouse
And bounced right out of Mother Ginger’s blouse

Evie is five and a daisy scout
She goes to Kindergarten each morning with a pout.
However she’s the smartest kid, no doubt!
A sweet little cherub in the Nutcracker Ballet
Even though a word she wasn’t allowed to say.

Avery is three and thinks she’s the mother
As she tries to take care of her little brother.
In preschool she talks up a storm
And at home with her sisters she just tries to conform.

Max’s best achievement was being born
Since then on his head a helmet is worn.
To make his head not so flat in the back
And to protect him from his sisters attack

We’ve had such a wonderful year
And we wish you and your family much Christmas cheer!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

A very Humiliating Merry Christmas Party

This weekend was my husband's company Christmas party.  Let me just say, I'm glad there was a open bar.

This party was at the company owners home in Preston Hallow neighborhood in Dallas.  For those of you who aren't familiar with that area, it's a super posh area.  So posh that George W. Bush lives there.  This party was so posh the owner hired carolers to stand outside to greet the party guest.  So posh, there was a Christmas tree ice sculpture.  So posh, there wasn't just an open bar, there was a whole room the size of my walk-in closet, that WAS a bar.  A bar with cognac, whiskey, rum, burgundy every spirit imaginable. They served hors d' oeures, shrimp, prime rib. It was delicious!  This was the fanciest party I have EVER been too.  All that said...you know I don't write about stuff unless it's funny.

My husband, the wonderful crazy man he is, decides he's going to go to this posh party dressed as Buddy the Elf.  THANKFULLY party city was all out of the Buddy the elf costumes (thank you sweet baby Jesus).  So instead he decided to wear an elf hat, with elf ears and elf shoes, in his business suit.

Let's just say, I headed straight for the bar got myself a glass of wine, chugged it and ordered another.  Thank heavens I'm a lightweight. It only took one glass of wine to get me tipsy, two glasses to get me giggly, and by the three glass I had to sit down. (Nick cut me off because he was wearing his elf shoes that had no support and he didn't want to carry me wearing those shoes). By the third glass then I didn't care about what Nick was wearing.

Everyone commented about Nick's outfit.  His reply was "The invitation said holiday attire"  (it did say holiday attire, next year the lady's gonna put, business suite, Nick will probably wear a Santa Costume and say "My business is delivering presents. You didn't say I had to come dressed as me.) One lady even hit on Nick by saying "I'm sitting next to you on the sleigh ride." (you read correctly there was a sleigh ride to see all the Christmas lights) I thought "You go ahead lady, I'll have another white wine."

Nick told me he found out that he holds a quarter of all the sales for the company, so he could wear whatever he wanted to this party.

Me: How many salesmen are there, four? Cause that statistic isn't very impressive if there's only four.

Nick: No there are about 10 or 11, let's say 10 to be conservative.

Me: (smirk) 10 is conservative compared to 11?

Nick: Shut up.

Anyway, out of 11, let's say 10 so I can do the math to be conservative, he has a quarter of the sales this year. So between 10 sales men, they only have 4 sales each for the year. (out of 60 sales). Where Nick has 15 of those sales. (and he's only been there 1/2 a year)

Needless to say Nick was right, he probably could have walked into that party in a Buddy the Elf costume and the owner wouldn't say a word, cause Nick's the man writing all the deals for the company, making all the money!  Go BABE!!!  (I am still thankful that there wasn't a Buddy the Elf costume though.)

p.s. I would have taken pictures, but the coat man took my coat and I left my phone/camera in the pocket...so no pictures. But you can use you imagination!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Magical Nook and Demonic Cell Phone

My Nook Book from Barnes and Nobles is magical.  Not, metaphorically speaking... it actually has magical powers.  I've witnessed these powers myself.  Every time....and I mean EVERY TIME, I work out at the gym (which is every weekday) and read my Nook, my nook does something magical. Somehow the music in the gyms magically becomes perfect background music for whatever I'm reading.  It literally fits together so well you would think that you were reading watching a movie.

This morning I was reading a scene from the book A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin, where two men were competing in a duel and the music playing in the background was the perfect amount of intensity that I was in genuinely sucked into the book.

I swear, it's magical!

Now on to my demonic cell phone.  Ugh!  I hate this phone with a passion. The other day when the girls were doing the ballet.  I had to take them to the theater and drop them off because I had to take Max to the doctor.  The Director has my cell phone number so I wasn't worry.  About half to the doctor the Director calls me.  I TRY to answer the phone, the STUPID phone won't let me answer it.  I hit the button, and nothing happens. I decide to call him back.  It appears when I place the call that the call is going through....but OH NO, it won't ring.  I can't dial out. I can't answer or dial.  I can however text.  So I text my husband (while driving, I know it's bad).  I tell him to call the Director. My phone was like this for four hours.  Then all the sudden it starts working again. Drives me crazy.

Then just yesterday I turn on Google Maps on my phone.  I swear that app just likes to mess with me. It will send me around the block the wrong way then lead me back around.  When I could have just maybe turned left or something simple. So frustrating!

So it's a trade off Magical Nook for a demonic cell phone.  

Friday, November 25, 2011

It's WALMART people....not the Sistine Chapel.

I know it's been a while since I blogged....I've been busy, I'll explain at the end of this post.

So yesterday I found the PERFECT gift for Nick for Christmas.  I lazy-boy recliner for only $189!  Great deal.  But you had to be at the store at 7am to get the chair.  So Nick went out thinking it was ridiculous he had to wake up on Thanksgiving day to get a chair.  I assured him it was necessary. He got there and there were already six people in line.  He was number seven.  The doors open, he went right back there got the sticker for the chair came to the front to pay and another man was there pointing the the picture in the ad (instead of getting the ticket) saying he wanted the chair.  Thankfully there were two left and both Nick and the man got a chair.  But after that they were out.

Nick was relieved, but we both thought it was ridiculous. 

Well, I want a camera for Christmas.  Nick was going to head to Best Buy because they opened at midnight to get my camera.  He left at 11:30pm.  When he got there he saw a line similar to this: 

There were THOUSANDS of people.  So he went to walmart and saw somthing like this:

He headed to Target and saw something like this:

Last year we went to Rome for our 10 year anniversary.  We were going to see the Sistine Chapel.  It opened at 10am.  We got there at 9am.  This is what we saw:

The line curved around that wall and another wall and another....it was SO LONG!!!  We decided to skip a once in a life time opportunity because the line was so stinking long. 

Needless to say Nick did NOT stay in line for the camera (I don't blame him).  It's WALMART people not the Sistine Chapel.  If we didn't stay in line for a masterpiece, we aren't staying in line so some lady can yell at us at Walmart for our cart wheel falling off. (true story...not my story, but true).

We were both BAFFLED by these lines.  We've never attempted Black Friday...we never will again.

Now to why I haven't been blogging.  You remember that ballet my girls are in?  Well it's been consuming my life lately. I did the playbill for it, sewing costumes, taking them to several practices a week.  I haven't had time to blog.

Plus my daughter's Rapunzel birthday party.  Which turned out great! I will post pictures and details later!

Hope ya'll had a happy Thanksgiving and safe Black Friday!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your....

My baby girl, Avery is turning 3 next week. and we are having a Rapunzel birthday party for her.  I like to go ALL OUT for my kids' birthdays. Not like those crazy people on TV who spend $32000 on birthdays.  Thats just nuts.  But I like to imagine what I would have liked as a kid and do that for my kids.

Avery wants a Rapunzel birthday.  She was Rapunzel for Halloween and she's stuck on the movie Tangled. We watch it at least 5 times a day (not really). So one of the things I'm making is a Rapunzel tower. 

I'm going to show you everthing you need to do to make a partially completed Rapunzel tower. That's right....this is only a partially completed tower. 

Just so you know a two hour nap time is not enough time to complete this project. 

What you need for the first part are boxes (lots of boxes) and painters tape:

Lay the boxes out in a massive square

Tape every box together at the seams

Turn over and tape like front
For this next part you will need a pencil, a rusty straight edge knife (It doesn't have to be rusty, mine is, it makes if more challenging.  Not only do you have to cut out the tower, you have to avoid needing a tetanus shot.), scissors, Marks-a-lot and measuring tape.

Measure where you want the window

Sniff the marks-a-lot

pass out from the smell
After drawing the tower you will cut it out.  But be sure to move it off your hardwood floors, you don't want your husband getting mad at you for scratching the hardwoods with the rusty straight edge.  (he doesn't need to know that you spilled rusty water from the wet ladder you used to measure where the window would go, that would just make things worse.)

Cut out the tower and VOILA!

My next task is to get some KILZ and paint to make the tower look like a tower.  I'll post pics next nap time. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Yesterday was the most wonderful day of the year (if you're 7 and under).  My girls were so excited to go trick or treating.

When they got home from school, they could hardly contain themselves.  While they waited, we made pumpkin pizza. (Don't worry it's not as gross as it sounds, no actual pumpkins were harmed in the making of this pizza).

After dinner we all got dressed up and ready to go:

Kamri was Cinderella, Evie was bat girl, Avery was cousin It....I mean Rapunzel and Max was a giraffe.

 I don't know if you can tell, but Avery has leopard snow boats on. Was it snowing?  nope, she just wanted to wear them.  I wish I would have gotten a picture of Avery from behind, cause I'm NOT kidding you, she looked like cousin It.  Maybe next year Max could be cousin it.

We went out for about an hour and hit about 3 streets.  My kids made a killing.  I think I'm going to be donating some candy to the mailman.

Actually a friend told me about a family she knows who has the Halloween Fairy come.  The kids get to pick out a certain amount of candy then they put the rest of the candy at the foot of their beds and that night she comes and brings them a toy.  I might have to consider something like that.

What do ya'll do with all your Halloween Candy?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Another Shower Defiled.

So you may be aware of a previous blog post called I might as well buy Depends now. In which I peed all over the 24 hour fitness shower.  Well, it's sort happened again.

In order to tell this story properly, I have to start at the beginning. If you a  reader of my blog you know how I always talk about my FBB's   (read this post to understand).  My FBB's are my F*ing Big Boobs.  Well part of the largeness of my boobs is due to the fact I'm nursing.  However, Nick wants me to stop nursing.  We made an agreement that I would nurse until the baby was 6 months old (I honestly don't remember this conversation.) It proabably went something like this:

NICK: I think you should stop nursing at 6 months

ME: I think you should shut-up.

I guess he thought I was agreeing with him.

Today's the day.  Max is 6 months old today.  So slowly over the last few weeks I've been nursing less and less.  Yesterday I woke up at 4:45am and my boobs were the size of watermelons and as hard as a rock.  So I went and pumped.  Weird thing though, I only pumped 6 oz.  Normally I pump 10 ozs, and when I was done my right boob was still hard.

I decided I would deal with this problem later and go to the gym.  I went to the gym, when I got done I was taking my shower at the 24 hour fitness.  My boob was STILL killing me.  So I decided to take a closer look at it.  It appeared that one of the ducts was plugged with a chunk of milk.  I picked out the milk (more like I dug it out.....I think I actually screamed in the shower, but I can't remember if the screaming was in my head or if it was audible.)  As soon as the small pebble of milk was out my boob, it happened.  The water main broke....NOT the water main to the building.  To be more actuate I should say the milk main broke.  I don't have a picture to acurately describe what it really LOOKED like, but this is what it felt like:

It LITERALLY sprayed the WHOLE shower!!  I'm not gonna lie, it felt good!  But it was embarrassing that I have now defiled TWO showers at the gym.  Oh no, it wasn't the same shower that I peed in.  It was the one across from it.

It reminds me of that Robin Williams bit where he explains about cats and dogs owning things: (this youtube is a little crude, but so is this post)

So apparently I own two showers at the gym now.

Be careful, before you know it, I'll own your car!

p.s. Nick says this is a disturbing post.  I say "you married me, and that's a little disturbing in and of itself."

Monday, October 24, 2011

Proof that Elegance is worth $1061

So the following is video proof that my kids need BALLET lessons.

I about DIED laughing!!  I love my goof ball girls.  But this video goes to show that my girls NEED ballet/elegance lessons.

So PLEASE help support them by buying tickets to their performance of the Nutcracker Ballet.

Elegance is needed in our household!  Please help out! (I'm bad, I know)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Who Woulda Thunk?

I did NOT realize that having my children in ballet would mean that I'd have to take a second mortgage on my home.

My girls are both in the North Central Ballet Company's performance of the Nutcracker Ballet this Christmas.

About 3 months ago my girls wanted to audition for the Nutcracker Ballet.  So I thought, "ok, no big deal....it's an audition. Surely they won't get picked."  (isn't that horrible I was hoping they wouldn't get picked, what does that say about me?)

Well, they DID get picked.  Evie is a cherub and Kamri is a mouse, a Mother Ginger child and a Seraph!!!  Being apart of they ballet you have to do all this stuff.  You have to sell 10 tickets (per kid so that's 20 for me)., sell an advertisement in the program (2 for me, since I have 2 kids in it), you have to pay for all the the costumes (that's 4 for me, cause Evie's got 1 part and Kamri has 3 parts), AND parents have to volunteer for 2 volunteer positions (that's 4 for me). If you don't sell the the tickets or advertisements you have to pay for it yourself.

What was I thinking?!?!?

20 tickets x $30 each = $600
2 advertisements x $125 each = $250
4 costumes = $211
Total = $1061

For ONE freaking Ballet!!!! There goes Christmas!

Please if you and your family would like to help save me from insanity (ok, that's too late, cause I already committed to the Ballet) Please buy tickets from me!!

You can purchase tickets here.  For every 2 adult tickets you buy you can get 1 free kid ticket (regularly $25).

Normally I wouldn't advertise for things on my blog.  BUT FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!! Over $1000 is a little overwhelming!

Please if you purchase tickets let me know, so I can write you down as one of the plethora of tickets I have to sell.  Thank you friends in advance for helping me out!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

SOOOOO gonna do this....

Poor Nick....you might be getting a text like this from Nick, if you know him.  I'm so doing this!

**UPDATE:** So I did this to Nick....he was like "What the hell? Who is Albus Dumbledore?"  I put myself as Lord Voldemort.  It took him about 30 minutes to fix.  I laughed the WHOLE time.  He missed one name though....it's Mad-eye Moody....can't wait till they call him.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

What's Upsexy?

Saw this today:

So I decided to play this little trick on Nick.  This is what ensued:

ME: Did you smell the upsexy at home or is it just me?

NICK: the what?!

ME: What?

ME: What are you asking me?

(he calls me)

ME: Hello?

NICK: What are you talking about?

ME: What do you mean?

NICK: You texted me saying Did you smell the upsexy at home. What are you talking about?

ME: I don't know, what are you asking me?

NICK: Taren, You texted me, what did you mean?

ME: What exactly are you asking me?

NICK: What is upsexy?

ME: nothing much.


ME: (laughing) nothing much.

NICK: Nevermind, Taren, I don't know what you're talking about.

ME: Are you asking me what is upsexy?

NICK: Yes,

ME: Nothing much!

NICK: (silence)  I get it, I feel dumb.

ME: (laughing my head off).

NICK: Goodbye.

Love playing tricks on him.  He makes me smile!  Do you play tricks on your spouse? What kinds?  I need ideas!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Leave it to the Professionals

Monday is my crazy day!  Normally Nick's not home on Monday's.  But he took Monday off to celebrate Columbus day with the family (it's kind of like Lief Ericsson day (yer-ga-her-ga)  only slightly better, you get a day off).

Do you ever wonder WHY we celebrate Columbus day, when Columbus didn't even discover North America?  That's just crazy! I digress....

Monday's are crazy. After school Evie has ballet at 4:30-5:30, Kamri has ballet from 5:30-6:30, Evie has Girl Scouts from 6:00-7:30.  In between that time, I have to make supper, feed the baby, change diapers, help with homework and whatever else needs to be done.

Since Nick was home, I assumed we'd share the load. (Visions of Samwise Gamgee saying "Share the Load" are popping in my head.)  Well, 1) never ASSUME.  My dad-in-law says "assuming makes an ass out of you and me." I'm sure he stole it from someone, but it's the smartest thing I've ever heard him say, so I'm crediting him for that one. And 2) Apparently sharing the load is NOT part of my job description.

I was in between getting Kamri to ballet and picking up Evie, I pulled out meat and started defrosting it in the microwave.  I told Nick on my way out, "When that's done start browning it." He was busy playing with Avery and Max, but he said "ok."  Which to me means "I understand, I will do that."

So I take Kamri to ballet, pick-up Evie and take her to Girl Scouts.  I'm there for a while cause I have questions.  I get home walk in the door, put everyone's stuff away and ask Nick "Where's Kamri?"

NICK: She was with you, what'd you do with her?

ME: Oh yeah, I forgot she's at Ballet, I better go get her.  I'll be right back.

I head to Ballet, I'm a few minutes early.  She gets done, we head home.

It's been 30 minutes since I asked Nick if he would brown the meat.  Guess what?  It's still sitting in the microwave.

ME: Nick! I asked you to brown this.

NICK: I'm busy.

ME: Really?? Cause it looks like you are laying on the ground letting Avery pounce on you and Max drool on you.

NICK:  I had to keep them busy.

ME:  Some how I keep them busy while I make dinner, it never stopped me.

NICK:  Well you're a professional.

ME: (laughing) I'm a professional?  Professional what?

NICK: Professional mom, you can do everything.

Then it dawned on me.  I am a professional.  I run a small business.  I have to organize finances, make sure my product (children) is/are presentable and well educated.  I have to make sure the store front (home) is clean.

The pay is crap...but it's still fulfilling.  I'm just wishing we can "Share the LOOOAAAAAAADDDDD."

Are you a professional?  What do you do to keep it all together? (Or not, cause frankly I'm crazy)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Purses, boobs and other musings

I love how my girls love to play "grown up." They will play dress up, or doctor, or push the baby in the stroller.  They love to play "real life" things.  In fact, just this morning I over heard my two year old, Avery, saying "LOOK AT ME BABY, OR I HIT YOU."  I caught her just in time to stop the blow to the baby dolls face. Poor baby doll!  I don't know what that baby did, but she was about to get a beating before Grandma Taren stepped in. (I actually made Avery sit in the naughty chair because I was disturbed at her anger toward this poor helpless baby. My first thought was "did she get this from me?"  But I have NEVER punched any of my kids in the face, so I'm pretty sure she didn't get it from me.)

After a three minute time out, Avery continued playing with the baby, only this time much gentler.  As she was playing I was cleaning up. I picked up an old purse of mine that was on the ground that I had given them to play with. I opened it up and this is what I found:

In the purse is a robot dog, legos, polly pocket and other random toys.  My first thought was, "I wish I could carry just legos." Don't know what I'd do with legos, but it seems more interesting that hand sanitizer and mini depends.

Another thing I LOVE is when my husband plays with our kids.  The girls go crazy like he's their personal horse, wrestling partner, story teller, whatever!  It's so cute! Yesterday, they were playing dolls together.  They have these dolls similar to paper dolls, only the clothes are magnetic.  When I came home Nick was SO proud he wanted to show me what they made.

To which Nick said "This (pointing to the blonde) is mommy before kids.  Long blonde hair and small boobs.  This (pointed the the brunette) is mommy after kids, brown hair in a bun, with super big boobs."

Thanks Nick, I'm so glad you are teaching our girls all about self confidence! (although I do have to say that the brunette really does look like me, arms up and all.  Me saying "I give up!").

What do you love about when your kids play? Is your husband as dorky as mine is?  (Gotta love a man who plays Barbies with his little girls though).

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Stupid News Sunday

I haven't done a Stupid news Sunday in a while. Not because there was lack of stupid news....OH NO, there are many stupid news stories. In fact I would say there is a plethora of stupid news. But here's this weeks Stupid News:

Apparently Stan Lee and friends are having a hard time creating a new line of comics. That or people are so illiterate that they decided to make comic books out of Classical literature. On CNN there was an article about Marvel comic's turning classical books into comic books.  Some how I don't think Jane Austen would approve of comic-booking her Emma.

Jane Austen's Emma

Good news for the zombieing world on Fox News.  October 8th has been declared World Zombie Day!  This is the next big step for equality among zombies.

And on the stupidest news outlet of them all, MSNBC If intelligent ET exists, what about God? Apparently Christians are so closed minded that we can't possible believe that there are aliens out there on other planets.  That if there are aliens it poses the questions "Did Jesus Die for Klingons too?"  

If there aren't aliens, God is the ultimate waster of space and He's not as creative as I thought.  If he can make a world full of comic-book-loving-jane-austen-zoombies, he can make world full of Klingon-loving-space-craft-flying-funny-faced aliens. 

There is so many things we will never understand (like the trinity) I think that posing the question "Did Jesus die for Klingons?" falls into the category "too big for your suitcase" (which means too big for you to understand, so just don't bother packing it in your bag.)

Not really a funny post, just pointing out that news media is as dumb as a box of hair sometimes.

Which classical book would you want made into a comic book?  Or do you think there are aliens?  Just curious to know what you think.

picture credits here and here

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My baby is cuter than ANY other baby

He is the Happiest baby in the WORLD.

My Super cute baby boy

He was belly laughing at dinner. Poor boy doesn't know he's sitting in a pink chair!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I got this...what the what?

I tend to think I'm amazing.  Yes it's true, I think I'm mostly awesome. I thought having four kids would be easy....ugh!

When I had Kamri, my first, I thought there is no possible way I could love another child.  In fact, when I got pregnant with Evie (my 2nd) I was scared to death that I wouldn't love her as much as I loved Kamri.  Of course she came along and a miracle happened, my heart expanded and I loved her just as much as Kamri.  When I got pregnant with Avery (#3), I wasn't afraid of not loving her, I knew I would.  This time around I was thinking "I only have two hands and now I have 3 kids, how am I going to do this?" But I did it.  I didn't need three hands, I finally got a hold of things.  When I got pregnant with Max (#4) I thought "I got this...What's one more?" 

Well, let me tell you, "one more" is almost one more than I can handle.  Not only is Max an infant and needs to be feed every 4 hours, my two older girls are involved in a whole lot more extra stuff than before.  Ballet, Girl Scouts, homework, friends, etc.  It feels like most of my time is spent driving kids around. 

I'm so busy that I don't have time for ANYTHING to go wrong.  For instance, yesterday my FBBra (F sized bra for my FBB's F-ing Big Boobs) popped a wire. Second bra in 6 months to pop a wire.  Because I'm nursing and I have FBB's I can only get my size a bra at the Maternity Store.  Which is out of the way.  It took about 2 hours out of my day, that I needed else where.

(side note: I was wondering WHY my bra's kept popping the wires.  I looked at the tag and saw that it said "hand wash only" WHAT THE WHAT? It's a maternity bra!!  Doesn't the maker know I have more important things to do than hand wash a bra? I mean I guess I could throw it in with the 9 million bottles I clean each day and wash it there. SERIOUSLY!)

Anyway, it's now 9:20pm.  I'm exhausted, I have to get up at 4:45am.  But I'm bloging....Why? Hell if I know! It's just one more thing sucking my time. But I do this cause I love it.  I love writing and sharing the funny and annoying things with you. Unlike my FBB scavenger hunt, blogging is something I love to do. 

What are some things that are time suckers in your life? How did you feel when you're kids came around? 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Friday, September 23, 2011

We'll call it...determined

Today I was driving home and Avery ripped open some of my mail (no surprise there).  I told her "no" and took the mail from her.  She proceeded to throw a fit and scream. I decided to try a new parenting technique I read about in Family Circle magazine.

This lady wrote an article called something like "better kids in 7 days" or something like that.  She decided to try a new parenting technique, everyday for seven days.  Day one was ignore your little one when they throw a fit.  Eventually they will give up.  Most kids do, her's did.  But oh no, not my Avery Grace. She's determined.

She screamed the WHOLE way home!  All 25 minutes!
I took this picture at a stop light.  We were about 2 minutes from home at this point.

I just ignored her the whole way home.  But she was determined to throw her fit.  Did she get bored and stop?  No, she is determined (another way to say it is she is stubborn, but I'm trying to put and up swing on it.)

Another way she is determined is when she asks for things.

AVERY: Mommy I want juice.

ME: Avery, we don't have any juice.

AVERY: Mommy I want juice!

ME: We don't have juice

AVERY: Mommy I want juice!!!

ME: (ignoring her)



She will not take no for an answer. Nick and I think she's going to be a car sales (wo)man when she grows up. She is ....determined to get her way.

Someday this quality is going to make her successful...not today my friend, not today!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

My Asgard against your Ori

I was washing dishes, and was reminiscing in my mind of the days when I lived in Amsterdam.

When I was 20, I spent a year living in Amsterdam.  I loved it!  It was amazing!  I had my own little flat, I walked to work everyday. I got to work at my own time and pace. All my time was MY time.  Everything I did, I did it because I wanted to.  Where ever I went, whatever I bought, it was all for me, no one else.

The only bummer thing was Nick and I were apart for 9 months of our engagement.  That was hard, but the rest was glorious!

So back to the here and now.  I was washing dishes and remembering my time in Amsterdam.  This is a transcript of what happened next:

ME:  We should move to Amsterdam.
(kids screaming in background)
NICK: Why?

Me: Because our kids could use the cultural experience.

NICK: ok, so you really want to bike to the grocery store with 4 kids every other day in the rain and haul the groceries up three flights of very narrow stairs and have to cover our kids eyes every time we pass a certain part of town?
(pause.....but kids still screaming)
ME: Fine then, I'll move there by myself.

NICK: Oh really?

ME: Yes really, I will do it in my mind.

NICK: No you won't

ME: I just did!

NICK: I will stop you.

ME: No you can't

NICK: how are you going to stop me from stoping you?

ME: My army will, it just did.

NICK: What army?

ME: the one in my mind.
(he laughs)
NICK: Well my army is stronger than yours so I will stop you.

ME: Well my army has Asgard technology. (regarding Stargate SG1 SciFi TV series) 

(long pause).

NICK: Well, my army has Ori technology which is better than your Asgard technology.

ME: Well my army as Ancient technology and my Ancients aren't afraid to kick your Ori's butt.

(we both look at each other)

ME: did we really just have this conversation?

NICK: Yep. pathetic.

As much as I would LOVE to move back the Amsterdam, Nick's right (don't tell him).  

Besides I would miss Syfy channel too much!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Projectile Poo

Yeah, so this is probably going to be a disgusting post.  Just fair warning.

I was cuddling my sweet baby boy Max, he's smiling and enjoying the moment.  Quietly I hear him toot, and think. Baby toots are so cute.  (that was the last pleasant thought I had)

All the sudden, my cute innocent baby boy regurgitates all over me.  I am covered in chunky breast milk vomit. It's not just a little spit up either.  Oh no!  I had to change his pants, my pants, I had to clean the rocking chair and the carpet under the rocking chair.

I calmly do all this, believe it or not.  Whilst I'm changing Max's clothes I notice his diaper is wet, so I (being a good mother) decide to change that too.  As I open the soiled diaper, without warning Max PROJECTILE POOS on me.  Not his normal sweet smelling breast milk poo that smells like caramel corn (yes I'm weird, I think his poo smells good). Oh No....it's green and pasty, and there is A LOT!  He finally gets done.  I remove the soiled diaper and as I'm in the process of placing the new diaper under his bum, he PROJECTILE POOS AGAIN!!!!!  More green, pasty poo. To top it all off, he's pushing so hard to get this poo out of his little body, that he pees on his face.  Which pisses him off, literally.

So now, there is vomit, poo, and pee all over him and me!  The JOYS of being a June Cleaver mom are NEVER ENDING!

Max after being cleaned. Happy boy!
  What's the most disgusting thing you've done today?  Please share.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Mommy Demerit goes to....June Cleaver?

If only the car ride to school looked as peaceful as this picture portrays. 

don't worry we were parked

So today has been the WORST day ever! Last night I set my alarm for 4:45 so I could wake up and go to the gym.  Unfortunately I set it for PM.  UGH!  I didn't actually wake up until 7:33.  You would think sleeping in 3 hours would be nice.  Well the kids' car pool was coming at 7:35.  I frantically called my neighbor and told her I'd take the kids to school.  Then I ran into the kids' room screaming "Wake up! We're late!  Get up, get up, get up!!!!"

EVIE: The lights burning my eyes.
(You'd think they were vampires or something.)


KAMRI: It's too early!


EVIE: My legs hurt, I can't walk!


5 minutes later Kamri is dressed and Evie is laying naked on her bedroom floor.


EVIE: I can't,

ME: YES YOU CAN!! (As I quickly shovel her arms and legs into the clothes, as she lays there like a rag doll.)

KAMRI: I'm hungry!


Meanwhile Nick being the level head man he is, is pouring them a bowl of sugar.  I guess that's better than nothing.

They quickly eat, we hop in the car and drive to school.  We only live right down the street, so we don't have to go too far.  We get there and it's 7:59, as I pull up to the school Kamri hops out and Evie says:

EVIE: Oh mom, kissy's

ME:  GET OUT!!!! (As I literally shove her out the car door.)

Almost immediately I feel SO guilty.  What a horrible mom I am.  She wanted a kiss good bye and I push her out the door.  I feel so bad.  They were going to be late no matter what I did, I should have been nicer to them.

Man I deserve the worst mom award....actually why would they even give awards for worst moms. What's the opposite of an award? A demerit?

So the worst mom demerit goes to me! The real June Cleaver.

Please feel free to share your Worst Mom moments with me.  I need to feel better about myself!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I Love Midget Mimes!

I love corny movies, I love movies that are stupid (three amigos) and basically any movie that makes me laugh!

Last night Nick and I watched The Hottie and the Nottie.  Written by Heidi Ferrer, (who is one of my favorite bloggers, see her blog here)

Now I read reviews, and Paris Hilton got a Golden Raspberry Award for her acting.  But frankly I thought she played the part beautifully!

Basically I laughed a lot! Even though it's corny humor....that's how I roll.  I love corny humor!  Well done Heidi!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

McDonald's is just plain CRAZY!

calm before the storm

Evie was invited to her first birthday party, that her sister wasn't invited to and it was at McDonald's.  I thought I would take the other 3 with me, buy them lunch and let them play while the party was going on. No big deal right?  Well I should have known that with my kids EVERYTHING is a big deal.

I'm one of those mean moms that doesn't let her kids play on the playground until all their food is eaten. Why?  I don't know!  It seems like the "mom" thing to do.  But really I'm just force feeding my kids fatty foods.  So not only am I'm mean, but I guess I'm slowly making my kids fatties.  (all I can say is MORBID OBESITY)


We ate lunch, Evie played with her friends.  Kamri and Avery complained the whole time that they wanted to play. After they finished their lunch they got to play.  Max end up having a blow out, I went to the restroom to change him.

Now I'm not being racist, just accurate, this McDonald's is in the Latino part of town.  There was several Spanish speaking people there.  That doesn't bother me, what does bother me is why can't the Latino people be taller?  I went to change Max in the restroom and the changing table literally went up to my knees.  I felt like a giant changing an ant.  It was really difficult cause I couldn't bend at the waist I had to kind of squat to change him.  Very awkward, especially in the skirt I was wearing!!

After the changing table fiasco, I headed back to the party just in time to be apart of the gift opening.  Now try getting 20 five-year-olds to stand back while the birthday girl is opening her gifts. Lots of pushing, shoving and a few tears.

And of course who do you think ruined the birthday cake?  You got it Avery!  Before I could catch her, her hand plunged into the cake...BEFORE they even ate it.  I was so embarrassed.  They just cut around  her hand print.

As I was gathering the girls to leave I saw a sign that said this "Braille and picture menu's available."

I thought to myself "First of all, if I was blind how would I see this sign. If I couldn't read how I would I know that this says there are picture menus available."  If I was blind or illiterate I would probably ask "do you have yada yada menu's available?"  Which would make the sign irrelevant.  Then as I was leaving the parking lot I noticed something else.

on the drive thru, seriously?

The same sign was on the drive thru.  Now tell me why are blind people driving thru the drive thru? And the sign was at the window to pay...so shouldn't the "driving blind person" already have ordered before getting to this window to see the sign?  Also, isn't the McDonald's menu a picture menu ANYWAY?  Why are they telling us they have picture menu's available?  Aren't they assuming the "illiterate people" are now also blind because they didn't see the pictures on the menu in the first place.  And if the "illiterate people" are blind wouldn't the picture menu be irrelevant anyway because they have menus in braille for the "blind illiterate" people? But if the "blind people" are also illiterate aren't the braille menus irrelevant too? Cause they couldn't read them anyway, cause they are illiterate.

So REALLY the sign is totally irrelevant, just a waste of plastic and time in the first place.

All in all, the outing was exhausting to me.  No one else was exhausted.  Max won't nap, Avery's bouncing off the walls and Kamri and Evie are running around in sugar induced rages.  I need a break....but NOT at McDonald'!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Profound Failure

I was reading a blog by Brandon Thomas, and felt like my comment was really profound.  I said:

"Failure is the first step toward success."

Then I thought, I bet no one has EVER said this.  So I Googled it, only about 14,000,000 people have said it before me.

I'm such a failure. :(  Which means I'm on my way to being successful!  Yay!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Art is man's expression of his joy in labor.

Frankly I tend to agree with Andy Warhol "An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

My two artists are always producing me things I don't need to have.  It's cute though, so I had to share with you. Especially the explanations, they are where the real joy is.

Kamri my 7 year-olds art:

 These are mermaids, with a castle.  Prince Eric is on the ground, Kamri is the blond mermaid who appears to be hanging upside down (but she's diving into the water.)  The black haired girl on the right is Blueberry muffin.  The two mermaids on the rocks are her friends.

Evie my 5 year-olds masterpiece:

Evie is the girl with brown hair at the bottom.  I am the girl with the poop ball hair.  Max is the little boy jumping on the girl, who is Avery (don't worry she probably deserved it.) Kamri is the red head next to Evie.  The castle is made of Blueberries and the birds are trying to eat the castle (this is beginning to sound like one of my drug induced dreams). 

I asked her where daddy is.  She said "He's next to the castle." I said "That looks like a dog with black boobies."  She said "I know."  We agreed to leave it at that.

Just wanted to share a little of the joy that I get to keep on my fridge for the next few days.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Monkey Toes Momma

For some strange reason, God gave me monkey toes.  People have been making fun of my monkey toes since I can remember.  Until recently I thought my monkey toes were a curse. But being a mom of 4 these monkey toes come in handy.  While pumping (and taking a picture of myself pumping) my monkey toes can pick up fallen items.  Like the TV clicker.

Or forks….

Earlier today Max had a blow out in his diaper.  While I didn’t have my camera handy, I did have my monkey toes! I dropped the diaper and my monkey toes saved the day by picking it up.

picture taken after the fact

So go ahead, make fun of my beautiful monkey toes.  

You only wished you an extra pair of hands…and I sort of do!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lunch with a 2nd Grade Anorexic Vampire

Today I went to my girls' elementary school to have lunch with them.  I felt like I was walking back in time.  Everything was the same from the school smell, to the custodian  named "Jose".  But there is something majorly different about the school from when I went to elementary school  25 years ago (eek!).

The kids!

My first lunch was with Evie my kindergartner.  She was excited to see me, and could really care less about anything that was going on.  She just wanted to eat her lunch.  She stopped eating a few times to make her classmates laugh.  For instance, sticking Pringles in her mouth like a duck.  For the most part she didn't talk, not with me or her classmates.  All in all, it was a boring lunch.

Then I had lunch with my 2nd grader Kamri.  Now that was an experience.  She picked her friend who has been in her class since kindergarten to sit with her.  And then that girl wanted to bring a friend too.  Kamri said "Ok" So we sat down and Kamri (who is as skinny as a rail) dug into her lunch to eat.  While her friend pulled out her lunchable and explained to me that she doesn't like to eat.  In fact she only ate one bit of toast this morning for breakfast.  Then she only ate 1 cracker and 1 slice of meat.  I thought "Please Lord, don't let this start now."  Seven years old is too young to worry about your looks.  Kamri didn't seem to care that her friend wasn't eating, she was too busy sucking the juice out of her grapes.

This leads me to my next observation. (side note:) We don't have "normal" TV in our house.  We watch Netflix instant stream and if the girls watch any TV it's PBS. They don't even really know what a commercial is.  They were at their grandparents house last weekend, watching a movie and TV, and they kept getting frustrated that there were commercials.  They kept asking if the movie was over.

Anyway, they only get 2 hours of TV viewing time a day.  They can also loose their privilege of watching TV if they are disobedient or disrespectful. I made this chart:

They start at the Yellow Star everyday.  For every 30 minutes of TV they watch they have to move their picture down a star.  When they get to the Red Dot then they are done with TV for the day.  They can move down a star if they disobey too.  They can move up a star as well, but that never happens.

Anyway, all that to say, Kamri doesn't get to watch the "normal" TV like other girls her age.  She doesn't watch iCarly or Hannah Montana, or ...I don't even know what's popular. She's still so innocent, she told her friends she wanted to be a fairy for Halloween.  They scoffed at her and said they wanted to be vampires.  I don't know how I feel about this, she's growing up SO fast already, does she really have to be a anorexic vampire at the age of seven?

I was wanting her to be a zombie for Halloween so I could try out this cool new face painting technique, but after lunch today I've decided a fairy is a perfect Halloween costume for my baby girl.

"Growing Up" is over rated, I think we need to be more proactive as a community to slow this processes down.  How do you feel about how quickly our children's innocence gets striped away?  Do you feel that your children are too "grown up" for their age, or too "young"?  Let me know what you think.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

June Cleaver Jive

I got up this morning at the ungodly time of 4:45am, did my gym thing, and when I got back home I was feeling extra June Cleavery this morning. So I made my kids breakfast extra special.

Now I'm a good mom, I make my kids breakfast every morning. I don't just shove a bowl of sugar in front of them. (I save that for Saturday's when I try to sleep in). This morning I made them cowboy faces and pink milk.

Evie doesn't like tomatoes, so her "eyes" are grapes.

I used a heart cookie cutter for the egg nose, and a cowboy
one for the egg hat.
The mouth is ham and the hair is cottage cheese.

They don't look happy (it's 7am) but they were excited!
Avery was really excited! It just doesn't look it.
Normally I do stuff like this on special days like St. Patrick's day, Halloween, extra.  Like I said, I was feeling June Cleaver's jive vibe today.

Speaking of jive, name this movie quote and who said it and you will win.....nothing!

Chump don' wan' no help, chump don' get da help. Jive-@ss dude ain't got now brains any-how!