Sunday, July 31, 2011

Depressingly funny

So today I was watching an episode of Numb3rs on Netflix. It was called Scratch, about these people stealing lottery tickets. At the end of the episode the dad, Alan bought a ticket for his mathematician son Charlie to scratch off. The ticket was a $10,000 winner. WELL, the ticket was a fake and a joke for Charlie.

I thought, that was funny as hell and I wanted to buy a fake ticket like that for Nick as a joke. So I went and Googled Fake Lottery Ticket. While I was searching I saw Fake Lottery Ticket Gone Wrong. It's a Youtube video of this prank, well of course I watched it (you should too!)

At first it's kind of funny, the guy thinks he wins $2million dollars. So he calls his boss and totally tells his boss off and quits his job. His wife and brother try to tell him it's a joke, but he interrupts them, telling his wife he's divorcing her cause he can't stand her, and telling his brother he's screwing his girlfriend. By this time, I'm grasping my mouth in disbelief. Something that started out to be funny took a horribly demented turn and made me super depressed. So depressed even my Prozac chaser couldn't help.

So then I wanted to watch something funny to get my spirits up. Cause when I get down I'm like Nick when he plays HALO online and all the 9 year old boys are whooping his booty. So anywho, I clicked on another video (bad idea) it was another prank gone wrong. These people scare this girl so bad she runs out of the house and gets run over by a car. Another mouth grasping moment. My day is getting more and more depressing. So now I'm SUPER DEPRESSED! How horrible! (I'm not even going to attach that video cause it's WAY to depressing).

I was planning on writing on my other blog, but I'm way to depressed to even write now. So it's now my goal to get myself laughing. So I type in jokes, funny quotes, etc. Nothing is helping. Then I go to my favorite blog The Bloggess She makes me laugh 99.9% of the time. I'm so glad I stopped by her blog today too. Because she added a link to something SO funny, I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard. I absolutely hate auto-correct on my cell phone. But this site makes it all worth it! Here are a few to give you a good laugh.

So after going on a roller coaster of emotions today I think I'm ready for bed. I'm glad to be ending on a funny note.

p.p.s. I decided NOT to play the lottery trick on Nick. the repercussions are too steep. Besides I showed him the video, he would know I was up to something.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Crap I did when I wasn't here...

I didn't get to do my CRAP I DID WHEN I WASN'T HERE segment last weekend. I was prepping for my sister and her family to come. So this week's CIDWIWH is really two weeks worth.

Last week was mine and Nick's 11th anniversary. So he took me out and got me drunk. Seriously he did. He didn't mean to (aledgely according to him) but he did. We went to the Baja Grill and he got me this HUGE margarita. (see picture)
I hadn't eaten anything all day, so he basically had to pick me off the floor and carry me to the movie we were going to sleep through see:
All I can say is read the book, it won't put you to sleep (of course I was slobbering drunk so that could have something to do with it.)

In other important things I did this week. I wrote a chapter on my SERIOUS blog about Matthew.

My family and my sister's family went to the Fort Worth Children's museum. Ton of fun. If you are so inclined you can view the pictures here

I also had two children puke on or near me this week. Fun oh Fun! It was so much fun you can buy the apron to remember it by. Check out my Apron

So that's the crap I did this week!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Seriously…I’ve been together longer than they have

So I’m browsing FOX NEWS (my favorite news source) when I see this

Shocking Celebrity Splits

I should have know it was going to be STUPID when I saw the picture of Superman and Lois Lane kissing at their wedding (I didn’t even know the got married, I guess I’m way behind on my comicon). Anyway the article (if you choose to waste your time reading it…don’t) tells about 26 different celebrity couples that the world was SHOCKED to see separated. Seriously? You were shocked? I’d be SHOCKED if they stayed together. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodard, now there’s a shocker, they were married 50 years (till his death). This article makes it seem like divorce among celebrities is a rare thing.

My hubby and I’ve been together longer than most of these people. In fact we’ve been together longer than all but 4 of these couples. FOUR out of 26!!!!

This week we celebrate our 11 year anniversary. This is the year of STEEL. What the hell kind of gift is steel. “Here you go honey I got you a big steel metal chicken. Happy Anniversary” (must see this to understand) ANYWAY, we got together in 1997 so we’ve been together 14 years. This to me is not news worthy or “shocking.”

Want to know what is shocking?

What does this look like to you?

A nipple?

Well it is, only it’s on her foot!!! NO JOKE!

It’s called Supernumerary breast tissue. Now that’s SHOCKING! I mean I wonder if it lactates, or if you have to use an EYSDAOR machine (you know Evil Yet Slightly Disturbing And Oddly Relieving thing called a breast pump.) Those things are pure evil, they cause your FBB’s (f-ing big boobs) to deflat and become withered up pancakes. Now some of you are shocked that I used “f-ing” Let me explain, my boobs are SO HUGE they are an F cup…thus they are f-ing big boobs. How I started with “Shocking Celebrity Breakups” and ended on my FBB’s is beyond me. But I better stop here!


Monday, July 18, 2011

Avery thinks she's so helpful

So this morning, my 2-year old decides she's going to 'help' me with her baby brother. She thinks it's time for his diaper change. While I'm on the phone with my sister, she brings me (what I think is a clean diaper) saying "Mac need new diaper." I say "ok" and I get up to go change his diaper and I see him in his swing like this:

Next time I'm hoping he greets her with a nice spray down. It just might teach her to not be so helpful.

In other unrated news did you know that the milky way smells like raspberries? I'm not kidding! That to me is proof that God is a women, here He She is creating the universe when all the sudden He She gets a craving for raspberries. So He She makes the whole freakin Milky Way smell like raspberries. I'm kidding God has to be a man, why else would he create man first, except of course you have to have a rough draft before you create your masterpiece. So knowing that he could be a women.....but why do I keep referring to him as a "he"? Just goes to show God gave his brawn to man and brains to woman.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Basically I'm a procrastinator

I use to do everything in a timely manner. I use to have my kids on time for everything, I use to have perfectly behaved children. I use to have my hair fixed and make-up on. I use to have my house clean and my laundry folded and put away.

I was basically the perfect parent...then I had kids. Slowly we started being late for everything, my kids would throw fits in the middle of the store. People would look at me like I was a crazy lunitic because my hair's not done, my face looks like Frankenstein and I have a screaming 2 year old throwing a fit over...I can't even remember.

When did my life turn into that woman I used to talk to my husband about "I can't believe that women's car is so flithy, doesn't she know where a car wash is?" or "My child would NEVER behave like that, I can't believe she would let her children act like that."

Until your a parent, everything looks easy, then it happens, you slowly become overwhelmed outnumbered and your just trying to survive.

So back to procrastinating. Right now I'm two days late on my writing project. Instead of sitting down and writing on my book, I'm here creating a new blog where I can vent and laugh and tell you all about the hilariously boring crap in my life.

For instance, two nights ago I asked Nick (hubby) to do the dishes while I went out to go get something. When I get back, all the dishes are in the sink. The kids and him asleep and I'm thinking to myself "What the hell, I can put dishes in the sink." In what world are the dishes overflowing in the sink considered clean? I swear IF the zombie apocalypse does come I want my kitchen to be clean. I mean for crying out loud we all know that once we're all zombies no kitchen's will be cleaned anywhere. Not only do I want my kitchen clean, my kids better have clean underwear on. Cause ain't no zombie gonna put new underwear on when they are busy taking over the world.

So I digress...rather I'm procrastinating. The point of this blog, is to get my funny out. Sometimes I have so much funny it's just got to come out, and not very many people appreciate my humor. So if you appreciate my strange humor of random things. You are welcome to stick around.

I promise you that this blog will consist of the absolutely ridiculous, sometime insane, and almost always funny. This I can guarantee. And we all know about guarantees "Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside...Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted? How do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Buildin' model airplanes!" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off your dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I've seen it a hundred times.They put the guarantee on the box, because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I've got spare time. But for now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about what you're reading." (that's from Tommy Boy and I changed that last bit a bit).

So here's your box....enjoy!

p.s. I'm writing this in my pjs and it's 2:00pm