Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I might as well buy Depends now!!

The week I've had you would think I'm an 80 year old woman. No seriously!

I bought my 2 year old a potty watch. We've been "potty training" (I use that term loosely) for a year now. She will poop in the potty EVERY TIME, but won't go pee.

So a friend told me about a potty watch:

It's a watch in the shape of a potty that plays a little 'pee pee' tune every 30, 60 or 90 minutes. It works GREAT and Avery LOVES it!

Well, apparently mommy needs one too. After having 4 kids, I'm not very good at holding it. Almost 3 times a day I barely make it to the pot. Well, today was the WORST most horrifying experience of my 32 years.

This is not for the easily grossed out. Because I assure you, you will feel dirty and in the need of a shower (with flip flops) after reading this.

I was at the gym today doing my CRAZY work out program, after 2 hours of craziness I need a shower. I always take a shower at the gym after working out, because it gives me a peaceful break. At home I never make it through a shower without someone running in to tattle-tale, cry, or just visit.

KID: Hey mom, whatcha doing?

ME: I'm building a rocket, get the Hell out of here.

KID: I wanna see the rocket.

I can't even lock the bathroom door, because my 7 year-old knows how to unlock it. She's only 7 and is an expert lock pick. We have high hopes for this one.

Anyway, I'm done with my work out, sweaty and ready to shower. I undress, wrap my towel around me and realize I don't have my flip flops like I normally do. That's ok, I'll just put a gym hand towel on the ground. Normally I take a quick leak before showering. But since I don't have my flip flops I opt to skip the pot.

I get in the shower, put the hand towel down and start the shower. Before I can do anything, IT happens, I start to pee.

"Oh crap" I think. What do I do? I can't run to the pot, I'll never make it. I can't pee on the floor that's just gross. "Oh Crap!" I move the hand towel out of the way, I don't want to pee on it. But now I'm peeing on the floor. Yuk! Apparently I drank about 5 gallons of water, because I peed for about 10 minutes. Ok not really.

Once I was done releasing the hoover dam, I then remembered the class of aqua aerobics going on, and all those 80 year old lady's. For sure, one all of them have peed on this floor before.

NASTY! Now I'm standing in not only my pee, but about 8 old lady's pee too. I quickly jump back on the hand towel. I'm so grossed out that I can't even think what to do next.

Shoulder Demon: "Just don't worry about it, everybody does it."

ME: Everybody does NOT do it. 20 year olds have control over this part of their bodies.

Shoulder Angel: "You should tell someone at the front desk."

ME: I'm not telling them.

Shoulder Demon: "Then she'll be known as the shower pee-er."

ME: Can I get kicked out for this?

Shoulder Demon: No one will know.

Shoulder Angel: Not true, she's going to write this in her blog.

Shoulder Demon: You can't write this in your blog.

ME: I have too, this is just too damn funny.

Shoulder Angel: See everyone will already know, so you better tell the front desk.


Shoulder Demon: If you blog about it, you will.

ME: Well, at least I'm not gonna get kicked out of the gym for it.

Shoulder Demon: Just don't tell them what gym you go to.

ME: Good idea?

Shoulder Angel: You're going with her? You're in trouble now.

(Yes this conversation REALLY did happen.)

After this conversation I quickly washed myself and exited the shower. I picked up the pee-pee towel and threw it in the dirty towel bin. I quickly dressed, put my sun shades on (at 7am not obvious at all) and left that place as quick as possible.

When I got home and told Nick he said "I think they can kick you out for that."

It's not like I MEANT to pee! I don't plan on doing this every time. Next time I'll bring my flip flops and I'll make a pit stop. Not that it matters, who know's how many 80, or 32 year olds, have peed on those floors.

If you know what gym I go to, I'll give you a warning: don't use the back shower on the right. Don't use any showers, all the old lady's (and 32 year olds) pee in them. Just skip the shower and deal with the annoying little cuties that disrupt the joy of a morning shower at home.

I will be buying THIS:

And probably a potty watch for me too!

Oh the joys of growing old.

p.s. You HAVE to check out the hat I created just for this blog.

picture credits here

Saturday, August 27, 2011

My imaginary super powers

So yesterday I went to a get a massage.  Normally I love massages, but this one was not enjoyable.  I won’t go in the details, I’ll just say there was a really hairy person involved and I could feel the hair…yuk!

As I was laying there getting this massage from this hairy person, I was thinking it would be GREAT if there was a telepathic massage therapist out there.  So that they always know where to rub, how hard and to get their nasty hair arms off my back...blaalla!

Then that got me to thinking what kind of super powers I would like to have.  This is my list.

Invisibility: This is an obvious YES and necessary to pull pranks on Nick.

Elastic body: Wow would this be handy in fitting into pre-pregnancy clothing, or unlocking doors, or becoming a human parachute if needed.

Faster than the speed of light: AWESOME!  All those time I’m late because would be a thing of the past.  I could speedily get everyone ready in a flash.

Super powers that I would not want, nor do I think would be helpful in anyway:

Flying: this seems helpful at first, but if you think about it, all the bugs and  birds you’d have to avoid while flying might be annoying, so I’ll stick to walking (or running really fast with my speedy ability). 

Freezing stuff:  The only thing this would be helpful for is freezing food quickly.  Which I can’t find a reason why I would want to do that.  Now a defrost ability that would be awesome because I’m always forgetting to get the chicken out for dinner.

Super Sonic hearing:  This is a tossup.  But ultimately this one is a negative one.  Think of ALL the people you could hear ALL the time.  That would just get annoying.  Plus hearing people talk about your back, ANNOYING!

Making time stand still:  I can’t see this being useful, if time is still then what’s the point?

Eating people’s brains to gain their abilities: Ultimately this is a negative one, who really wants to eat anyone else’s brains? 

Fire Power: I have a hard enough time not burning the house down by forgetting to turn off the curling iron or blow out candles.  I don’t need help with having the ability to set things ablaze instantly. 

Too bad I don’t really have a super power. If we could chose a super power that would be AWESOME!  My kids think I’m super and so does Nick, so I guess I have them fooled. 

p.s. if you have telepathy (and aren't hairy) you should consider a career as a massage therapist.  

photo credit here.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Who put the heroin in the Dr. Pepper?

I’m addicted to Dr.Pepper, I SWEAR they put heroin in it.Not that I know what heroin is like, but I’ve heard it’s very addictive.

Hook me up!

Since starting my I'm gonna lose this stupid weight or kill myself trying program, I planned I would only have 1 Dr.Pepper a day. That’s saying something for me. Normally I drink only 3 a day,which is 450 calories a day. (Ouch, that’s hard to read.) That’s 4 lbs a month…which comes to 48 lbs a year (HOLY CRAP! I just did the math right now)

Anyway, on to my seriously depressing story about me slowly becoming morbidly obese.

I had a can of Dr.Pepper in the fridge and when Nick came home, he wanted to drink it. I told him I was saving it for the next day. After serious negotiations I finally let him have the last Dr. Pepper.

Then I regretted it the next day (I knew I would). The following is a text conversation between Nick and me that marks how desperately addicted to Dr.Pepper I am.

ME: Mommy need!!!!



NICK: LOL well how bout a 7up?

ME: Yuk. Make me gag!

NICK: How about a glass of wine?

ME: Nope

(You know it’s bad when I turn down wine to whine…haha!)


NICK: Fine go get a Mr.Pibb then!

ME: I’d rather rip my eyes out

(I’m a pepper purest)

ME: ?


NICK: Maybe ur tongue and u would be happy with Pepsi!

ME: UR making me MAD

NICK: Ok fine, I’ll be the enabler

ME: MOMMY NEED!!!!!!!!!!

ME: It’s your fault. You drank the last 1

NICK: Whatever I knew you’d go to Sonic either way…..Addict!

Nick thinks I have a Sonic GPS (probably because I do). No joke, my family calls me to find out where the closest Sonic is. Just the other day my Dad calls, he was in Allen (which is about 50 miles away from where I live). He asks me where the closest Sonic is, and yes, I knew where one was. I can’t help it, I just remember practically every Sonic I’ve ever driven by. Today we drove by 3 more I had never seen before and my Sonic radar expanded.

After telling Nick this story today about dad calling me, he said “If dad’s ever on Who Wants To be a Millionaire and the question is “Where is the nearest Sonic?” He should phone a friend to call you.”

I digress…I don’t even remember what my point was.

Well, I’ll make a point up. If you don’t want to be morbidly obese you should stop drinking 3 Dr.Pepper’s a day. That’s what I’m trying to do.

But I really wish they wouldn’t make it so addicting!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Someone shoot me before the gym kills me.

I spent all weekend watching an A&E series called HEAVY. The funny thing is Nick and I sat on the couch eating ice cream watching these morbidly obese people try to lose weight. It went sort of like this:

ME: (mouth full of ice cream) How did those people let themselves get like that?

NICK: (ice cream dripping off his goatee) I have no idea

ME: (burp!) I know, it's so disgusting.

Yes I see the irony.

So after about 8 episodes of morbidly obese people losing 60-180 lbs in 6 months. I decide, if they can do it, so can I. (Last year I lost 25 lbs, then got pregnant and gained it and MORE back).

So this week I started a new weight lose program called the I'm gonna lose this stupid weight or kill myself trying program. I wake up at 5am every morning and get to the gym by 5:30 and do cardio until 6:50. I come home, get my kids up, fed and ready for school. After I drop them off at school I head back to the gym at 8am and do weight trainging for about 50 mins. Then come back home. Then sometimes during the day I try to do yoga during the kids' nap-time.

It's crazy, I know! But I figure if I can have 4 kids natural childbirth (with delivering my 4th by myself) I can lose this stupid weight!

Well yesterday I decided to "take it easy" on my second day I decided to swim laps. OMG! I almost died. To make matters worse I couldn't breathe. Everytime I tried to take a breath water would go in my mouth and I would gag. THEN an older man got in the lane next to me and was swimming laps around me. LITERALLY!!! SO embarassing!

It went something like this:

"This should be easy!"

starting 1st lap

I'm out of breath, old man jumps in next to me. (still 1st lap)

"I'm choking on water, gag!"

These last 2 slides happen about 5 more times.

"Forget this!" The old man did like 20 laps, I did 5...barely!

I'm super competitive, so this did NOT bode well with me. I decided that I would save swimming till...well, never!

Swimming didn't go to well. But the rest of the week is going well. I have a super unrealistic goal of 45 lbs in 45 days. (but hey, if those morbidly obese people can do it, this slightly fat person can do it too). We'll see!

p.s. I like saying Morbidly Obese, I say it to myself OVER AND OVER again when I'm doing the stair master. For some strange reason it helps.

p.p.s I didn't have my camera thus the drawings.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

First two Days of School

I have about an hour to blog before my kids get home from their first day of school.  Today has been exhausting.

I decided that for the next 45 days I'm going to do a strict exercise plan, 2 hours a day. So this morning I woke up at 5:20 and headed to the gym.  I worked out till 6:50 came home and got my kiddos ready for school.  Got them all ready and took them to School.

Now that I look back, I feel like I should be sad that my little Evie M'Lynn started Kindergarten today.  But I wasn't, I was super happy for her.  She wasn't sad at all.  Any way, here are some pictures from this morning.
Kamri & Evie outside their school

Evie at her desk

Evie with her Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Woods

Kamri at her desk

Kamri with her 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Barriere

They did awesome!  Evie was a little quiet for being Evie.  I swear she is the loudest kid I know.  When she was a baby she sounded like a Nazgul it was horribble.  When she came out of the womb the first thing I said to Nick was "her mouth is HUGE!"  She looked like a cute little baby with Julia Roberts mouth.  She's so sweet and kind though, she's just loud.  Well, this morning she was NOT loud.  She barely said a word.  I hugged her and wished her a good day.

Then I dropped Kamri off, she did awesome!

(baby woke up and I had to put this on hold. it's now the next day).

So it's now Tuesday, and I can't remember a darn thing about yesterday.  So I'm stopping while I'm ahead, even though technically I'm behind, since I started this yesterday.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Not enough super glue for even a quick high

This morning I thought I heard Max crying, but wasn't sure because I keep baby monitor so freaking low I can hardly hear it.  So really what's the point of having a baby monitor anyway.

I get up to check the monitor, and this is what I see:
Notice the white cable is cut in two
My first thought is Avery, my 2-year-old, now I don't know if she did it.  But between her and her sisters these are just a few of the things they destroyed.

Avery: cassette tapes
  Now thankfully my Neil Diamond cassette didn't make it into the carnage.  But these poor relics weren't so lucky.
Kamri: piano keys
Kamri got this piano for Christmas. She begged for it.  Had it...umm...2 days before the microphone was ripped off and the keys were missing.
Evie: a toy horse, broken leg
Poor Maximus the horse from TANGLED got his leg broke.  I super glued it back, and it broke again.  Super glue is a MUST in my house.  Maybe I should try sniffing it, that might make the carnage more fun...for me at least.

Kamri, Evie & Avery: NUMEROUS amounts of books
I've stapled the Tea with Ruby book at least 3 times.  One of the pages in that book should be "Ruby I hope you won't destory pages from a book when you have Tea With The Queen."
Kamri & Evie: broken drawer
My parents bought this dresser for the kids, we had it 2 weeks before someone thought it a great idea to stand on the bottom and do jumping jack on it.
Not sure: broken scooter
Yesterday I noticed Avery was trying to ride the scooter.  However, the pin was missing so it didn't sit up correctly and basically she was just grinding the bottom of the scooter on the ground (hard to explain)
Evie: BRAND NEW slip 'n slide (slid on twice)
Bought this slip 'n slide for the girls, set it up, at the end the water filled up a bubble so when you slide you bump into this bubble at the end.  What's with kids and jumping jacks?  Don't they know there is a time and a place for jumping jacks and mostly the time is NOT at home and the place is NOT on breakable things.  Evie decided to do jumping jacks on it, busted it after only 2 slides.

Avery: trampoline net
Our kids decided the the net around the trampoline was better with a hole in it, so they could bounce little Avery right out of it.

And the Pièce de résistance!
Avery: laptop computer, missing keys, broken screen
Avery slowly killed my computer.  In it's last days it look like it had some form of computer leprosy. First she dropped it and broke the screen.  Then she slowly ripped off the keys.

These are just a few of the things they destroyed. I don't know if I will ever have nice things.  I try and try and try to keep things from being demolished, be to no avail.  How do you teach kids the respect for property?

I think maybe the super glue idea is looking better and better. sniff sniff!

I'm completely baffled.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Mean Mommy and the Meatball Vasectomy

So I don't even know where to begin. First of all, EVERYONE (except Max my 3 month old) hates me today. Including myself!!

Today was suppose to be a BIG day in our family. Nick was scheduled to get snip snip done. I'm excited about it, because I've already had four natural childbirths and I do NOT look forward to having anymore. So the first person to be mad at me is Nick:
Notice he's flipping me off
Nick is severely doped up at this very moment.  He can hardly walk when I put him in the car, he falls over into the drivers side as I slam the door on him. When I get in car he says to me in a half drunk tone "I'm gonna drive, I know how to get there." I say " you're not!"  

We take the kids to a friends house and we have 30 minutes to get to the appointment....and my car is on empty.  UGH!  So I race to the nearest gas station, fill up for 5 gallons and then zoom off to the urologlist office.  We get there just in the nick of time (pun intended...hee hee!) 

Nick is so out of it he sits down and I take care of registration.  While I'm up there I notice the Doctor's business card: 

Does that business card have some funny business on the top of it?  

I begged Nick to go in with him so I can see the procedure done.  But he said no. After he took care of business we started home.  But first we had to stop at the video store to get movies and video games for him and his two day snooze fest.  He is too "sore" to get up, so I go in to peruse the video game section.  I have NO clue what I'm looking for.  So I call Nick...several times...he doesn't answer.  So I pick out 2 games and 4 videos.  

Of course I picked out the WRONG games.  Oh well, he's too doped up to play, he's only in the mood to complain.  So after setting him up on the bed (See picture), I go get the kids and bring them home for dinner.
Notice bag of frozen corn

Well I've been preparing for not having time to make dinner, so I made MEATBALLS (pun intended AGAIN)in the crockpot.  Yes I see the irony. No one likes dinner (except me), Nick's too offended to eat and the girls are crying that they are going to starve to death, cause they hate it. By the end of dinner, Nick's passed out on couch, Evie's crying that she's going to starve to death.  Kamri's lecturing me on how it's not right to starve them and I'm screaming at the kids to be quiet and eat!

The only person who's happy is baby Max:
Happy baby Maximus

Now Nick is literally singing to the tune of the Beatles Yesterday: " Vasectomy, I'm just half the man I used to be, all my balls are falling off of me, oh vasectomy came suddenly."

Poor poor Nick.  Actually poor me, I'm gonna have to deal with his whining for the next two days!  

The kids are in their pjs, Max is in bed, Nick is on the couch and I need a glass of whine!!! (pun intended)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Straw in a wine bottle day

So I've had a stressful day. This sums it up and makes me laugh:

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Social Media Sunday

Alright, time to get my weekly dose of Sunday news and for you followers out there, who don’t get their news from any other source but me, get ready cause today is a doozy.

On the most Trusted Name in News (Fox News). There is an article titled Using Bed sheets, 5 prisoners escape Lebanese Jail. Here’s the 411: 5 prisoners escape using bed sheets. Yep, that’s it. The dude who wrote the 253 word article could have just left it at 6 words. However it did say in the article that the minister of Lebanon was holding the prison guards personally responsible and they were going to be punished. Probably going to be put in jail, but I’m not worried about them, they can just escape by using their bed sheets.

In other unrelated news, Duchess of Cambridge Kate is part of a horrendous smear campaign. One that makes her look SKINNY!!! How dare they portray the Duchess as a skinny person? An Italian magazine doctored photos of the duchess to make her appear skinnier than she already is. For crying out loud, she already ways 6 stone (81 lbs).

Other British news, the Brits are silencing social media riots. Apparently the riots in England were all organized through social websites, so the Brits decided to “stop people from communicating via these websites when we know they are plotting violence.” Well China heard this and cried “You hypocrites! That’s just what we do.” It looks like Freedom Silence is alive and well in Britain. Look for it to come to a country near you!

If you think I’m kidding, I’m not. San Francisco shut down cell phone service as officials were trying to thwart a planned protest. I’m all about safety, but not when it interferes with freedom of speech.

“People willing to trade their freedom for temporary security deserve neither and will lose both.” Ben Franklin

Ouch! My soap box just broke, so I better stop here!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Perfect day to eat a Bag of Oreo's

Perfect day to eat a bag of Oreo's, but I didn't, well at least I didn't today (or yesterday). You see Nick's been complaining about me losing weight. Ok, not really I've been complaining to him and he says "Just do it already." I will when I'm good and ready! I'm just more good and ready to buy Oreo's and ice cream than lose weight. Somehow Oreo's and ice cream keep showing up in my kitchen. (I have no idea how the get there.) The other day, my parents took my 3 girls for the night. I bought a package of double stuffed Oreo's (YUMMO!). Nick CLAIMS he only had 2 Oreo's before they disappeared. That means that I would have had to eaten the WHOLE package. I wouldn't put it past myself, but I'm pretty sure Nick is fibbing.

All that to say, Nick and I decided to take the kids to Hawaiian Falls yesterday (because Friday's after 2pm is BOGO). I think Nick thought it would be good "exercise" for me. Well, this is what I did:

Not much! We got there after 2pm, so we had a difficult time finding a place to sit up front, but we did find a tent at the back of the park, and there was only one other family back there. So we ploped our stuff down and the kids were off to the park. I quickly figured out why there were no families back there. We were right by the MC of the park. He was holding games, AND karaoke. Every 12 year-old in the park sang some sort of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus or Miranada Cosgrove song there is. OMG! It was a good thing I didn't have a fork, I would have poked my eyes out! ANYWAY...

That's Nick (in the black shorts) with Avery who is wearing this hilarious floating bathing suit. But it's awesome! We didn't have to worry about her at all, and when we went in the lazy river she just bobbed right along. She just LOVED it!

She did look silly in it though.

This is Evie and Kamri enjoying the slides:
While guessed it...was sitting in my chair!

Holding baby Max, reading a book, listening to the worse rendition of Party In The USA. Max didn't seem to mind the endless annoying 12-year-olds. He was a happy baby all day!

Now you would think spending a day at the water park I would pack a bunch of goodies for my kiddos, like gummies, goldfish and Oreo's. Well Yes, Yes and No. I brought them gummies and goldfish, but Nick has banned me from Oreo's. However, he did not ban the family next to us, nor would he be able too. One of their kids dropped one on the ground:

You know what I did?

NO YOU SICKO! I didn't eat it, I took a picture of it and wished I could eat it. But alas, no Oreo's today on my day of "exercising", just a lot of fun, sun and karaoke. We had a wonderful family day.

Afterwards Nick wanted to get some aloe vera at the store cause he got the silliest sunburn. (Seriously, his neck, the back of his kness, and the back of his where else though). I suggested we go to Walmart dressed in our swim suites and Avery dressed in her floating swim suit. We FOR SURE would have gotten on People of Walmart website. But he actually looked at me as if I were nuts. Him, the one who dresses like a old greek mafia man (minus the gold necklace). (If you aren't sure what I'm talking about you need to check out Crap I did when I wasn't here...Walmart edition.)

So instead of going to Walmart, we came home and due to all that "exercise" I passed out drooling on the couch. I would have taken a picture of me, expect I was asleep drooling on the couch. So I drew you a picture of me, just so you get an idea what "exercise" does to me:

Nick went to Wal-Mart and got wine. When he came back this is what he saw. All that "exercise" wore me out. All and all, it was a great day with the fam, drool and all!

p.s. he also bought ice much for losing weight. (no Oreo's though)

p.p.s. This feels like a Seinfeld episode, it always come back around to Oreo's.

p.p.p.s (is there such a thing?) If you like this blog post, please comment. Better yet, click to follow this blog! Thanks!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Crap I did when I wasn't here... Walmart

So for this weeks Crap I did when I wasn't here, it's going to be a VERY short issue.

Yesterday Nick and I took the family to Walmart. Now I SWEAR I've NEVER been to Walmart, I was a victium of an unfortunate shopping spree. Just like these poor victums.

ANYWAY...we were at Walmart, (purely against my will) and I saw these ceramic pots for sale:

Now at Home Depot these pots were $150, so I thought, what a wonderful deal. Then I felt them, they aren't ceramic, they are heavy duty plastic. But they look like REAL ceramic pots. Well Nick was on a different aisle while I was looking at these. So I decide to play a trick on Nick. I pick a pot up and pretend it's REALLY heavy, when he comes around the corner this is what happened:

ME: (lifting 'heavy' pot) Nick look at these beautiful... (drops pot)

NICK: (shear look of terror on his face)

pot bounces... people all around dying laughing... Nick now glaring at me... people slightly laughing.

NICK: I thought for sure that pot was going to break into a million pieces. You're a dork!

ME: (still laughing)

NICK: You're just mean.

ME: (still laughing)

I think I laughed for about an hour on and off.

Now if you don't know me, I LOVE to embarass my husband in public places like Walmart. Once we were shopping and I remembered I needed to get some deodorant. So I walked off without telling Nick. He was asking me where I was going, but I was ignoring him. He kept asking louder and louder finally I yelled: "I'm going to get CONDOMS!!"

Once again poor Nick was mortified.

Now don't think It's all me trying to embarrass him. Check out this picture of him at Walmart a few months ago (I was NOT with him).

He likes to go into Walmart, looking dumb to see if people will take pictures of him to place on the people of Walmart website. No, not really, I dared him to do it and he did.

Moving along...

Last night went to see THE HELP with my book club.

We read the book a few months ago, and LOVED the book. So we went to see the movie together. Very good movie, totally recommend it (book is better though).

I didn't have time to get much writing done, But if you haven't check out my writing blog. Please do and leave a comment. I would like people's input of the direction of the book.

That's really it for the CRAP I DID WHEN I WASN'T HERE, that's why it's called that. I mean I changed probably 70+ diapers, spit-up and poo, but I doubt you want to hear about the REAL Crap I did.

Please if you like reading my blog leave a comment, it's encouraging. Better yet, Click to follow me, it will help my self esteem. (yes I base my self esteem on my blog, I'm on Prozac for my self esteem thing).

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I figured out Where the Medulla Breast pump got it's name.

It's that time of the week again!! WACKY WIKIPEDIA WEDNESDAY!

With your Host.....ME!

Ok, so I spend like 90% of my time now a days pumping for my little bundle of joy, because said bundle of joy won't do the duty on his own. I stick the thing in his mouth and he looks at me like "Why are you trying to kill me with this F-ing Big Boob (FBB)?"

All that so say I was going to look up Medula Breastpump to make some crude hilarious remark about breast pumps. Believe it or not, the Medula Breastpump is not a Wikipedia subject (I am appalled, I am aghast). HOWEVER, the Medulla Oblongata is a subject.

Of course everytime I hear "Medulla Oblongata" I think of Waterboy:

So from our very educational video clip we learn that the Medulla Oblongata is the sector of the brain that controls aggression and when it is enlarged aggression comes out.

My hypothesis: The breast pump while it's sucking the life out of your FBB's it's also causing your medulla oblongata to become enlarged thus causing aggression.

For instance if my kids want a snack they have a 95% chance of getting said snack BEFORE I pump. During and after said pumping their chances drop to about 3.2%.

Another example, yesterday I was sitting down to pump. Max was in his rocking chair, the girls decided that they wanted to go in the backyard in the 108 degree weather and play in the pool. Since I had JUST sat down to pump, there was NO WAY I was going to make them put on sunscreen. I figured if they are crazy enough to go outside in 108 degrees, they could just get their little bodies burned (what a great mom I am). Well I guess I'm raising sun conscious children, because they all insisted that I put sun screen on them. So instead of stopping my FBB depletion and Medulla Oblongata enlargement ceremony, I thought "I can do both at once." So with one hand I'm holding the FBB depletion apparatus' (breast pump cups) and with my chin and other hand I'm squeezing the sunscreen into free hand, so that I can rub it on the girls' backs. Probably about 3 times the breast pump tubing comes lose and stops pumping. Instead putting the FBB depletion apparatus down, I continue to try and do both. After the 3rd time I rip off the apparatus and start screaming like a maniac, letting my FBB's hang out, looking completely insane, and stark raving mad that I had to stop my ceremony and to put sun protection on my children so they won't form deadly skin cancer later on in life. (you can see where my priorities are...bad mom).

Now, can't you see my hypothesis is true? Our Medulla Oblongata has to be enlarged during breast pumping, cause why else would a sane person go irate over such incidences. Unless of course I'm not a sane person, which is totally possible.

p.s. since my When the Banana's start talking post I've been leaving messages on Nick's banana's before he leaves for work. This morning I put "Medulla Oblongata" on his banana. He has no idea about this post, so he's going to be totally confused.

p.p.s. will post pictures of said banana later.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Jesus got screwed

I was quite shocked when my 5-year-old told me this yesterday. I was thinking "does she mean he got a bum deal having to be nailed to the cross, or something else I'm hoping she doesn't understand." So I ask her,

"What do you mean, sweetie?"

"They put screws into his hands."

"Oh, you mean nails, they put nails in his hands."

"Same thing." she responded.

Later I was relaying this story to my dad. My dad and I are soul-mates of humor. We both laugh at the same things. Many times our family is looking at us like we are nuts cause they don't get what we just "got".

My dad says "So he didn't get screwed, he got hammered."

Now please let me insert here for those of you who might be offended. We are NOT AT ALL making fun of what Jesus did, just of the fact that a little 5 year-old got her mords wixed.

So then I relay this story to Nick who, who holds an affinity with me and dad and our humorous puns, he replies with "or he got nailed."

"I 'saw' that one coming." I said.

Ok, anymore hardware puns? I know, we're 'nuts' but we better wrap this up before we all see 'bolts' of lightening.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Slow No News Sunday

Everyone knows that the weekends are notorious for NO NEWS. That's why I like to get my news on the weekend. It's way more funny educational. Like today on FoxNews, a mouse man is born in Japan.

Ok, not really, the real article is Japan Team Produces Sperm From Mice Stem Cells.
"A team of Japanese scientist have produced viable sperm from the stem cells of mice. The experiment could be a breakthrough toward treating infertile humans."

Because who doesn't want a mouse-man-child? It's been a dream of mine since...never. I mean who doesn't want a child that looks like this:

"He has his dad's ears and his mouses nose. How cute."

In other unimportant news (MSNBC) Buddhist Liberate Lobsters. Buddhist monks found themselves bored from medtations and decide to do something ridiculous useful (frankly I don't know which word to use). They bought 500 lobsters from a commerical fisherman and released the lobsters back into the wild. Now, corrrect me if I'm wrong, but that's just STUPID!!! They paid the commerical fishermen for the lobsters then set them free so that the fisherman can catch them AGAIN and make even more money off the same lobsters.

"I'm Stupid and don't care who knows!"

Lastly in the news of the ridculous. CNN has a link on their webpage, their link is Breaking:How to build Muscle Faster. Well the picture they put with the link is what's funny. However if you click the link it doesn't show the picture. SO being the thoughtful person I am, I took a screen shot for you.

It's kind of hard to tell what it is, so I recommend you seeing it for yourself. But for those lazy people who don't care and are solely relying on me to give them their ridiculous news for the day. The picture is that of a man in a bunny mask and a woman in a Renascence dress. What the hell does that have to do with Muscle building? I don't's Sunday. The Sunday News dude on CNN doesn't care, figures no one checks or cares anyway. Little does he realize, that Sunday is the ONLY day I check out the news.

Frankly if anyone important dies, any nature disaster happens, or any terrorist attack happens, if it doesn't happen on Sunday I'm not going to know about it. Cause frankly I don't give a care to check the news any other day of the week (nor do I have time.)

Stay tuned for Dolphin's petition...actually don't cause this is enough "news" for me today. Frankly, I could careless about dolphins.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Crap I did when I wasn't here...

So this week went really fast. I feel like I've been saying that for the last 3_(cough) years. My family took some family pictures with an amazing photographer Susan Kimmel, check her out she's awesome!! Here are a few of her pictures:

My extended family

My parents with their 8 grand kids.

My sister's family

On my other blog I added a chapter about Major John Marshall. I haven't had much time to write this week. But my juices are flowing so I'm hoping to get time next week.

My mom is an amazing card maker and she has some AWESOME cards. If you are crafty and would like to make amazing cards like this, you should contact her. I always try to check out her blog to see what beautiful creations she's making. This is probably my favorite from her collection this week:

If you didn't check out my practical joke on my friend Karen, it will give you a giggle.

Also, don't forget to check out my store of crazy crap I create just for the hell of it.

Last BUT NOT LEAST! My MOPS (Mother's of Preschooler's) is doing an Auction for COWBOYS tickets

It's for this Thursday August 11th, Hurry up and place your bid. Last I checked the bid was at $250. Auction ends Sunday, August 7th!