Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I might as well buy Depends now!!

The week I've had you would think I'm an 80 year old woman. No seriously!

I bought my 2 year old a potty watch. We've been "potty training" (I use that term loosely) for a year now. She will poop in the potty EVERY TIME, but won't go pee.

So a friend told me about a potty watch:


It's a watch in the shape of a potty that plays a little 'pee pee' tune every 30, 60 or 90 minutes. It works GREAT and Avery LOVES it!

Well, apparently mommy needs one too. After having 4 kids, I'm not very good at holding it. Almost 3 times a day I barely make it to the pot. Well, today was the WORST most horrifying experience of my 32 years.

This is not for the easily grossed out. Because I assure you, you will feel dirty and in the need of a shower (with flip flops) after reading this.

I was at the gym today doing my CRAZY work out program, after 2 hours of craziness I need a shower. I always take a shower at the gym after working out, because it gives me a peaceful break. At home I never make it through a shower without someone running in to tattle-tale, cry, or just visit.

KID: Hey mom, whatcha doing?

ME: I'm building a rocket, get the Hell out of here.

KID: I wanna see the rocket.

I can't even lock the bathroom door, because my 7 year-old knows how to unlock it. She's only 7 and is an expert lock pick. We have high hopes for this one.

Anyway, I'm done with my work out, sweaty and ready to shower. I undress, wrap my towel around me and realize I don't have my flip flops like I normally do. That's ok, I'll just put a gym hand towel on the ground. Normally I take a quick leak before showering. But since I don't have my flip flops I opt to skip the pot.

I get in the shower, put the hand towel down and start the shower. Before I can do anything, IT happens, I start to pee.

"Oh crap" I think. What do I do? I can't run to the pot, I'll never make it. I can't pee on the floor that's just gross. "Oh Crap!" I move the hand towel out of the way, I don't want to pee on it. But now I'm peeing on the floor. Yuk! Apparently I drank about 5 gallons of water, because I peed for about 10 minutes. Ok not really.

Once I was done releasing the hoover dam, I then remembered the class of aqua aerobics going on, and all those 80 year old lady's. For sure, one all of them have peed on this floor before.

NASTY! Now I'm standing in not only my pee, but about 8 old lady's pee too. I quickly jump back on the hand towel. I'm so grossed out that I can't even think what to do next.

Shoulder Demon: "Just don't worry about it, everybody does it."

ME: Everybody does NOT do it. 20 year olds have control over this part of their bodies.

Shoulder Angel: "You should tell someone at the front desk."

ME: I'm not telling them.

Shoulder Demon: "Then she'll be known as the shower pee-er."

ME: Can I get kicked out for this?

Shoulder Demon: No one will know.

Shoulder Angel: Not true, she's going to write this in her blog.

Shoulder Demon: You can't write this in your blog.

ME: I have too, this is just too damn funny.

Shoulder Angel: See everyone will already know, so you better tell the front desk.

ME: I AM NOT GOING TO BE KNOWN AS THE SHOWER PEE-ER!!!

Shoulder Demon: If you blog about it, you will.

ME: Well, at least I'm not gonna get kicked out of the gym for it.

Shoulder Demon: Just don't tell them what gym you go to.

ME: Good idea?

Shoulder Angel: You're going with her? You're in trouble now.

(Yes this conversation REALLY did happen.)

After this conversation I quickly washed myself and exited the shower. I picked up the pee-pee towel and threw it in the dirty towel bin. I quickly dressed, put my sun shades on (at 7am not obvious at all) and left that place as quick as possible.

When I got home and told Nick he said "I think they can kick you out for that."

It's not like I MEANT to pee! I don't plan on doing this every time. Next time I'll bring my flip flops and I'll make a pit stop. Not that it matters, who know's how many 80, or 32 year olds, have peed on those floors.

If you know what gym I go to, I'll give you a warning: don't use the back shower on the right. Don't use any showers, all the old lady's (and 32 year olds) pee in them. Just skip the shower and deal with the annoying little cuties that disrupt the joy of a morning shower at home.

I will be buying THIS:


And probably a potty watch for me too!

Oh the joys of growing old.


p.s. You HAVE to check out the hat I created just for this blog.

picture credits here

13 comments:

  1. Taren, you are so funny! For the record, pee is sterile, and while it may seem grose, it's totally harmless to pee in the shower, so you don't have to worry. I do wear shower flops when I shower at the gym, but not b/c I'm worried about pee. It's the athlete's foot germs you need to worry about! Love the blog & the potty watch; you don't need Depends, just maybe Poise pads....:o)

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  2. I.LOVE.YOU. You say the things I'm thinking but am too afraid to say! Keep keepin' it real!

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  3. Roflmbo! Omw! I love you so much. Now I'm homesick again and missing you terribly! Add a kid and 4 1/2 yrs and you'll know why I stopped showering at the gymmany moons ago!

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  4. well Anonymous (**cough** fake name): I wouldn't want to comment on this blog either :). I'm glad to know pee is sterile. Cause, sometimes you just can't control it!
    @Holly: thanks for reading & commenting. I try to keep it real. You can't make this stuff up(actually you can, but then I'd be a comedy writing and be getting paid to do this.) But I didn't make it up.
    @Trish: miss you too!

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  5. Taren, you crack me up and I so enjoy reading all your blogs! Since, I DO know what gym you work out at, I will steer clear of that shower stall...hahaha! (this is Carly)

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  6. Funny!I'll just continue to be fat and not work out, urine feet free.

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  7. Taren,

    I clicked on your blog from a comment you made on the Bloggess' post today and you had me hooked at "Depends." I am 47 years old, three kids, and a hysterectomy into my incontinence years and I so feel for you! This is definitely something I would have had to worry about several months ago. One word: Toviaz! It took awhile, but I am no longer peeing the bed and hiding in shame, hoping my husband won't notice before I can strip it the next morning.

    Hugs,
    Chelle
    www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

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  8. Newbie here, linked from The Bloggess. I feel your pain Taren! I'm a lot older than you though and have been fighting the "to pee or not to pee" battle for years and years. Poise pads are my friends since they don't make the Depends underpants to fit fat old ladies. Sigh. Keep on keeping it real :)

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  9. @Chelle: Thanks for commenting. I might have to see if I can mix some of that (Toviaz) in with the Dr.pepper! Thanks for commenting!! :)

    @Lori: "To pee or not to pee" that is the question. Actually its more like "to pee or to PEE now...oops I'm done." Thanks for commenting.

    I'm glad to know I'm not the only one to deal with this.

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  10. HAH! I'm so glad that you have a sense of humor and can laugh about the Shower-Pee Incident... and what's even better is that, after you did it, you wanted to blog about it. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU who can post about the crazy (and sometimes gross) things that happen to them. Makes people feel like they aren't alone in the world when they pee in the shower. Keep on writing! this was AWESOME!

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  11. @Karen: yeah I'm weird like that. Nick is always wondering what private thing I'll be blogging about next.

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  12. You know, a lot of people pee in the shower. Granted, I've never peed in the shower of the gym, but I never shower at the gym. I'd rather drive 10-15 minutes sweaty as all get out and shower at home.

    :) (I read your comment at Single Dad Laughing and couldn't help but click on the link.)

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  13. @Genevieve, I have 4 kids, one is only 4 months. So if I don't take a shower at the gym, I don't get one. Which is just nasty. You should try a shower at the gym (with flip flops) it's nice and peaceful.

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