Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My baby is cuter than ANY other baby

He is the Happiest baby in the WORLD.

My Super cute baby boy

He was belly laughing at dinner. Poor boy doesn't know he's sitting in a pink chair!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I got this...what the what?

I tend to think I'm amazing.  Yes it's true, I think I'm mostly awesome. I thought having four kids would be easy....ugh!



When I had Kamri, my first, I thought there is no possible way I could love another child.  In fact, when I got pregnant with Evie (my 2nd) I was scared to death that I wouldn't love her as much as I loved Kamri.  Of course she came along and a miracle happened, my heart expanded and I loved her just as much as Kamri.  When I got pregnant with Avery (#3), I wasn't afraid of not loving her, I knew I would.  This time around I was thinking "I only have two hands and now I have 3 kids, how am I going to do this?" But I did it.  I didn't need three hands, I finally got a hold of things.  When I got pregnant with Max (#4) I thought "I got this...What's one more?" 

Well, let me tell you, "one more" is almost one more than I can handle.  Not only is Max an infant and needs to be feed every 4 hours, my two older girls are involved in a whole lot more extra stuff than before.  Ballet, Girl Scouts, homework, friends, etc.  It feels like most of my time is spent driving kids around. 

I'm so busy that I don't have time for ANYTHING to go wrong.  For instance, yesterday my FBBra (F sized bra for my FBB's F-ing Big Boobs) popped a wire. Second bra in 6 months to pop a wire.  Because I'm nursing and I have FBB's I can only get my size a bra at the Maternity Store.  Which is out of the way.  It took about 2 hours out of my day, that I needed else where.

(side note: I was wondering WHY my bra's kept popping the wires.  I looked at the tag and saw that it said "hand wash only" WHAT THE WHAT? It's a maternity bra!!  Doesn't the maker know I have more important things to do than hand wash a bra? I mean I guess I could throw it in with the 9 million bottles I clean each day and wash it there. SERIOUSLY!)

Anyway, it's now 9:20pm.  I'm exhausted, I have to get up at 4:45am.  But I'm bloging....Why? Hell if I know! It's just one more thing sucking my time. But I do this cause I love it.  I love writing and sharing the funny and annoying things with you. Unlike my FBB scavenger hunt, blogging is something I love to do. 

What are some things that are time suckers in your life? How did you feel when you're kids came around? 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Friday, September 23, 2011

We'll call it...determined

Today I was driving home and Avery ripped open some of my mail (no surprise there).  I told her "no" and took the mail from her.  She proceeded to throw a fit and scream. I decided to try a new parenting technique I read about in Family Circle magazine.

This lady wrote an article called something like "better kids in 7 days" or something like that.  She decided to try a new parenting technique, everyday for seven days.  Day one was ignore your little one when they throw a fit.  Eventually they will give up.  Most kids do, her's did.  But oh no, not my Avery Grace. She's determined.

She screamed the WHOLE way home!  All 25 minutes!
I took this picture at a stop light.  We were about 2 minutes from home at this point.

I just ignored her the whole way home.  But she was determined to throw her fit.  Did she get bored and stop?  No, she is determined (another way to say it is she is stubborn, but I'm trying to put and up swing on it.)

Another way she is determined is when she asks for things.

AVERY: Mommy I want juice.

ME: Avery, we don't have any juice.

AVERY: Mommy I want juice!

ME: We don't have juice

AVERY: Mommy I want juice!!!

ME: (ignoring her)


AVERY: MOMMY, I WANT JUICE. MOMMY, I WANT JUICE, MOMMY, I WANT JUICE.


ME: AVERY WE DON'T HAVE JUICE....STOP ASKING!!!!!

She will not take no for an answer. Nick and I think she's going to be a car sales (wo)man when she grows up. She is ....determined to get her way.

Someday this quality is going to make her successful...not today my friend, not today!



Thursday, September 22, 2011

My Asgard against your Ori

I was washing dishes, and was reminiscing in my mind of the days when I lived in Amsterdam.

When I was 20, I spent a year living in Amsterdam.  I loved it!  It was amazing!  I had my own little flat, I walked to work everyday. I got to work at my own time and pace. All my time was MY time.  Everything I did, I did it because I wanted to.  Where ever I went, whatever I bought, it was all for me, no one else.

The only bummer thing was Nick and I were apart for 9 months of our engagement.  That was hard, but the rest was glorious!

So back to the here and now.  I was washing dishes and remembering my time in Amsterdam.  This is a transcript of what happened next:

ME:  We should move to Amsterdam.
(kids screaming in background)
NICK: Why?

Me: Because our kids could use the cultural experience.

NICK: ok, so you really want to bike to the grocery store with 4 kids every other day in the rain and haul the groceries up three flights of very narrow stairs and have to cover our kids eyes every time we pass a certain part of town?
(pause.....but kids still screaming)
ME: Fine then, I'll move there by myself.

NICK: Oh really?

ME: Yes really, I will do it in my mind.

NICK: No you won't

ME: I just did!

NICK: I will stop you.

ME: No you can't

NICK: how are you going to stop me from stoping you?

ME: My army will, it just did.

NICK: What army?

ME: the one in my mind.
(he laughs)
NICK: Well my army is stronger than yours so I will stop you.

ME: Well my army has Asgard technology. (regarding Stargate SG1 SciFi TV series) 




(long pause).


NICK: Well, my army has Ori technology which is better than your Asgard technology.





ME: Well my army as Ancient technology and my Ancients aren't afraid to kick your Ori's butt.

(we both look at each other)


ME: did we really just have this conversation?

NICK: Yep. pathetic.

As much as I would LOVE to move back the Amsterdam, Nick's right (don't tell him).  


Besides I would miss Syfy channel too much!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Projectile Poo

Yeah, so this is probably going to be a disgusting post.  Just fair warning.

I was cuddling my sweet baby boy Max, he's smiling and enjoying the moment.  Quietly I hear him toot, and think. Baby toots are so cute.  (that was the last pleasant thought I had)


All the sudden, my cute innocent baby boy regurgitates all over me.  I am covered in chunky breast milk vomit. It's not just a little spit up either.  Oh no!  I had to change his pants, my pants, I had to clean the rocking chair and the carpet under the rocking chair.

I calmly do all this, believe it or not.  Whilst I'm changing Max's clothes I notice his diaper is wet, so I (being a good mother) decide to change that too.  As I open the soiled diaper, without warning Max PROJECTILE POOS on me.  Not his normal sweet smelling breast milk poo that smells like caramel corn (yes I'm weird, I think his poo smells good). Oh No....it's green and pasty, and there is A LOT!  He finally gets done.  I remove the soiled diaper and as I'm in the process of placing the new diaper under his bum, he PROJECTILE POOS AGAIN!!!!!  More green, pasty poo. To top it all off, he's pushing so hard to get this poo out of his little body, that he pees on his face.  Which pisses him off, literally.

So now, there is vomit, poo, and pee all over him and me!  The JOYS of being a June Cleaver mom are NEVER ENDING!

Max after being cleaned. Happy boy!
  What's the most disgusting thing you've done today?  Please share.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Mommy Demerit goes to....June Cleaver?

If only the car ride to school looked as peaceful as this picture portrays. 

don't worry we were parked

So today has been the WORST day ever! Last night I set my alarm for 4:45 so I could wake up and go to the gym.  Unfortunately I set it for PM.  UGH!  I didn't actually wake up until 7:33.  You would think sleeping in 3 hours would be nice.  Well the kids' car pool was coming at 7:35.  I frantically called my neighbor and told her I'd take the kids to school.  Then I ran into the kids' room screaming "Wake up! We're late!  Get up, get up, get up!!!!"

EVIE: The lights burning my eyes.
(You'd think they were vampires or something.)

ME: I DON'T CARE, GET UP!!!!

KAMRI: It's too early!

ME: NO IT'S LATE, WE ARE LATE, GET DRESSED!!

EVIE: My legs hurt, I can't walk!

ME: YOUR LEGS ARE GONNA HURT IF YOU DON'T GET UP!!!

5 minutes later Kamri is dressed and Evie is laying naked on her bedroom floor.

ME: EVIE!  GET DRESSED!!!!!

EVIE: I can't,

ME: YES YOU CAN!! (As I quickly shovel her arms and legs into the clothes, as she lays there like a rag doll.)


KAMRI: I'm hungry!

ME: TOO BAD!

Meanwhile Nick being the level head man he is, is pouring them a bowl of sugar.  I guess that's better than nothing.


They quickly eat, we hop in the car and drive to school.  We only live right down the street, so we don't have to go too far.  We get there and it's 7:59, as I pull up to the school Kamri hops out and Evie says:

EVIE: Oh mom, kissy's

ME:  GET OUT!!!! (As I literally shove her out the car door.)


Almost immediately I feel SO guilty.  What a horrible mom I am.  She wanted a kiss good bye and I push her out the door.  I feel so bad.  They were going to be late no matter what I did, I should have been nicer to them.

Man I deserve the worst mom award....actually why would they even give awards for worst moms. What's the opposite of an award? A demerit?

So the worst mom demerit goes to me! The real June Cleaver.

Please feel free to share your Worst Mom moments with me.  I need to feel better about myself!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I Love Midget Mimes!

I love corny movies, I love movies that are stupid (three amigos) and basically any movie that makes me laugh!

Last night Nick and I watched The Hottie and the Nottie.  Written by Heidi Ferrer, (who is one of my favorite bloggers, see her blog here)


Now I read reviews, and Paris Hilton got a Golden Raspberry Award for her acting.  But frankly I thought she played the part beautifully!

Basically I laughed a lot! Even though it's corny humor....that's how I roll.  I love corny humor!  Well done Heidi!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

McDonald's is just plain CRAZY!

calm before the storm

Evie was invited to her first birthday party, that her sister wasn't invited to and it was at McDonald's.  I thought I would take the other 3 with me, buy them lunch and let them play while the party was going on. No big deal right?  Well I should have known that with my kids EVERYTHING is a big deal.

I'm one of those mean moms that doesn't let her kids play on the playground until all their food is eaten. Why?  I don't know!  It seems like the "mom" thing to do.  But really I'm just force feeding my kids fatty foods.  So not only am I'm mean, but I guess I'm slowly making my kids fatties.  (all I can say is MORBID OBESITY)

Anyway...

We ate lunch, Evie played with her friends.  Kamri and Avery complained the whole time that they wanted to play. After they finished their lunch they got to play.  Max end up having a blow out, I went to the restroom to change him.

Now I'm not being racist, just accurate, this McDonald's is in the Latino part of town.  There was several Spanish speaking people there.  That doesn't bother me, what does bother me is why can't the Latino people be taller?  I went to change Max in the restroom and the changing table literally went up to my knees.  I felt like a giant changing an ant.  It was really difficult cause I couldn't bend at the waist I had to kind of squat to change him.  Very awkward, especially in the skirt I was wearing!!

After the changing table fiasco, I headed back to the party just in time to be apart of the gift opening.  Now try getting 20 five-year-olds to stand back while the birthday girl is opening her gifts. Lots of pushing, shoving and a few tears.

And of course who do you think ruined the birthday cake?  You got it Avery!  Before I could catch her, her hand plunged into the cake...BEFORE they even ate it.  I was so embarrassed.  They just cut around  her hand print.

As I was gathering the girls to leave I saw a sign that said this "Braille and picture menu's available."

I thought to myself "First of all, if I was blind how would I see this sign. If I couldn't read how I would I know that this says there are picture menus available."  If I was blind or illiterate I would probably ask "do you have yada yada menu's available?"  Which would make the sign irrelevant.  Then as I was leaving the parking lot I noticed something else.

on the drive thru, seriously?


The same sign was on the drive thru.  Now tell me why are blind people driving thru the drive thru? And the sign was at the window to pay...so shouldn't the "driving blind person" already have ordered before getting to this window to see the sign?  Also, isn't the McDonald's menu a picture menu ANYWAY?  Why are they telling us they have picture menu's available?  Aren't they assuming the "illiterate people" are now also blind because they didn't see the pictures on the menu in the first place.  And if the "illiterate people" are blind wouldn't the picture menu be irrelevant anyway because they have menus in braille for the "blind illiterate" people? But if the "blind people" are also illiterate aren't the braille menus irrelevant too? Cause they couldn't read them anyway, cause they are illiterate.

So REALLY the sign is totally irrelevant, just a waste of plastic and time in the first place.

All in all, the outing was exhausting to me.  No one else was exhausted.  Max won't nap, Avery's bouncing off the walls and Kamri and Evie are running around in sugar induced rages.  I need a break....but NOT at McDonald'!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Profound Failure

I was reading a blog by Brandon Thomas, and felt like my comment was really profound.  I said:


"Failure is the first step toward success."


Then I thought, I bet no one has EVER said this.  So I Googled it, only about 14,000,000 people have said it before me.


I'm such a failure. :(  Which means I'm on my way to being successful!  Yay!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Art is man's expression of his joy in labor.

Frankly I tend to agree with Andy Warhol "An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.


My two artists are always producing me things I don't need to have.  It's cute though, so I had to share with you. Especially the explanations, they are where the real joy is.


Kamri my 7 year-olds art:




 These are mermaids, with a castle.  Prince Eric is on the ground, Kamri is the blond mermaid who appears to be hanging upside down (but she's diving into the water.)  The black haired girl on the right is Blueberry muffin.  The two mermaids on the rocks are her friends.


Evie my 5 year-olds masterpiece:




Evie is the girl with brown hair at the bottom.  I am the girl with the poop ball hair.  Max is the little boy jumping on the girl, who is Avery (don't worry she probably deserved it.) Kamri is the red head next to Evie.  The castle is made of Blueberries and the birds are trying to eat the castle (this is beginning to sound like one of my drug induced dreams). 


I asked her where daddy is.  She said "He's next to the castle." I said "That looks like a dog with black boobies."  She said "I know."  We agreed to leave it at that.


Just wanted to share a little of the joy that I get to keep on my fridge for the next few days.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Monkey Toes Momma


For some strange reason, God gave me monkey toes.  People have been making fun of my monkey toes since I can remember.  Until recently I thought my monkey toes were a curse. But being a mom of 4 these monkey toes come in handy.  While pumping (and taking a picture of myself pumping) my monkey toes can pick up fallen items.  Like the TV clicker.



Or forks….



Earlier today Max had a blow out in his diaper.  While I didn’t have my camera handy, I did have my monkey toes! I dropped the diaper and my monkey toes saved the day by picking it up.

picture taken after the fact


So go ahead, make fun of my beautiful monkey toes.  



You only wished you an extra pair of hands…and I sort of do!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lunch with a 2nd Grade Anorexic Vampire

Today I went to my girls' elementary school to have lunch with them.  I felt like I was walking back in time.  Everything was the same from the school smell, to the custodian  named "Jose".  But there is something majorly different about the school from when I went to elementary school  25 years ago (eek!).

The kids!

My first lunch was with Evie my kindergartner.  She was excited to see me, and could really care less about anything that was going on.  She just wanted to eat her lunch.  She stopped eating a few times to make her classmates laugh.  For instance, sticking Pringles in her mouth like a duck.  For the most part she didn't talk, not with me or her classmates.  All in all, it was a boring lunch.

Then I had lunch with my 2nd grader Kamri.  Now that was an experience.  She picked her friend who has been in her class since kindergarten to sit with her.  And then that girl wanted to bring a friend too.  Kamri said "Ok" So we sat down and Kamri (who is as skinny as a rail) dug into her lunch to eat.  While her friend pulled out her lunchable and explained to me that she doesn't like to eat.  In fact she only ate one bit of toast this morning for breakfast.  Then she only ate 1 cracker and 1 slice of meat.  I thought "Please Lord, don't let this start now."  Seven years old is too young to worry about your looks.  Kamri didn't seem to care that her friend wasn't eating, she was too busy sucking the juice out of her grapes.

This leads me to my next observation. (side note:) We don't have "normal" TV in our house.  We watch Netflix instant stream and if the girls watch any TV it's PBS. They don't even really know what a commercial is.  They were at their grandparents house last weekend, watching a movie and TV, and they kept getting frustrated that there were commercials.  They kept asking if the movie was over.

Anyway, they only get 2 hours of TV viewing time a day.  They can also loose their privilege of watching TV if they are disobedient or disrespectful. I made this chart:


They start at the Yellow Star everyday.  For every 30 minutes of TV they watch they have to move their picture down a star.  When they get to the Red Dot then they are done with TV for the day.  They can move down a star if they disobey too.  They can move up a star as well, but that never happens.

Anyway, all that to say, Kamri doesn't get to watch the "normal" TV like other girls her age.  She doesn't watch iCarly or Hannah Montana, or ...I don't even know what's popular. She's still so innocent, she told her friends she wanted to be a fairy for Halloween.  They scoffed at her and said they wanted to be vampires.  I don't know how I feel about this, she's growing up SO fast already, does she really have to be a anorexic vampire at the age of seven?

I was wanting her to be a zombie for Halloween so I could try out this cool new face painting technique, but after lunch today I've decided a fairy is a perfect Halloween costume for my baby girl.

"Growing Up" is over rated, I think we need to be more proactive as a community to slow this processes down.  How do you feel about how quickly our children's innocence gets striped away?  Do you feel that your children are too "grown up" for their age, or too "young"?  Let me know what you think.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

June Cleaver Jive

I got up this morning at the ungodly time of 4:45am, did my gym thing, and when I got back home I was feeling extra June Cleavery this morning. So I made my kids breakfast extra special.

Now I'm a good mom, I make my kids breakfast every morning. I don't just shove a bowl of sugar in front of them. (I save that for Saturday's when I try to sleep in). This morning I made them cowboy faces and pink milk.

Evie doesn't like tomatoes, so her "eyes" are grapes.

I used a heart cookie cutter for the egg nose, and a cowboy
one for the egg hat.
The mouth is ham and the hair is cottage cheese.

They don't look happy (it's 7am) but they were excited!
Avery was really excited! It just doesn't look it.
Normally I do stuff like this on special days like St. Patrick's day, Halloween, extra.  Like I said, I was feeling June Cleaver's jive vibe today.

Speaking of jive, name this movie quote and who said it and you will win.....nothing!

Chump don' wan' no help, chump don' get da help. Jive-@ss dude ain't got now brains any-how!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dental Sadism

So today I took my little one Avery to the dentist for the first time. I learned my lesson last time I took the kids to the dentist. I made the mistake of taking all 3 of them at the same time (didn't have baby #4 yet). Kamri was 4, Evie was 2 and Avery was just an infant.

Evie, who is the bravest kid I know, had no problems. She walked right back, sat down did everything the dentist asked. Except open her mouth. Which makes things difficult when you're trying to get your teeth cleaned. But she didn't cry and she did get through most of her x-rays.

Kamri wouldn't even let them near her. I thought I should go with Evie cause she was the younger of the two. Well I hear Kamri screaming at the top of her lungs. She wouldn't let them x-ray her, clean her teeth, I don't even think she sat in the chair. The whole experience freaked her out.

Avery, who was very colicky, cried the whole time. So I was having to hold her and comfort Kamri and check on Evie all at the same time. It was disastrous.

Well this momma learned her lesson. This time I got a baby sitter for #3 & #4 and I'm taking the kids one at a time. Each on a different day. Yes that means I'll be at the dentist 4 times this week (one for myself). BUT I won't have any screaming kids.

First I took Evie, and as before she did awesome!

Today I took Avery. I was a little nervous she wouldn't do well. But after she saw that Evie got a balloon, she was ready to go and get one herself.

At our dentist the kids get to pick a movie to watch while they get their teeth cleaned. Avery picked Tangled. She did so well getting her teeth cleaned.


The chair was SO big for her!!

Here she is getting x-rays! I was SO proud of her. She did such a good job.

Quite different than ME. I too had an appointment at the Dentist. The hygienist starts by scrapping the plaque off my teeth. No big deal. But then she decided to pull out this BIG @SS water laser gun! It looked harmless. Then she stuck it in my mouth. All I could think was: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST KILL ME NOW!" Seriously, every where the laser landed I think there was a tiny nuclear explosion in my mouth. I think I even saw smoke billowing out of my mouth at one point. The weird thing is my mouth must be sadistic, because every time she took the laser away from one area, my brain would scream for it to go back. Like it wanted more pain.

Well I have these practically permanent braces in my mouth. A LONG time ago my dentist cemented this brace into my mouth. It's really hard to floss and every dentist I've seen said it won't ever come out. She asks me how long it's been in there. I had to think for a minute. Then I think I died, because the v-fib jolted me back after having to say it's been 20 years! OMG! 20 years, I've had that thing in my mouth. That's more than 1/2 my life. That just weird-ed me out.

I'm old and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm going to bed now. Even thought it's only 9:00. See ya'll later!




Monday, September 5, 2011

Aliens vs. Zombies

So I was driving along and saw this bumper sticker:I think if Aliens are going to suck you out of your car a seat belt isn't going to stop them. What you should be more concerned about is Zombies. Now they need to make a bumper sticker that says "Buckle Up! It makes it harder for Zombies to drag you from your car. Not that it really matters cause if you're in a car you can go faster than the Zombies anyway."

In fact I just did! Go get your today and help prepare others for the Zombie Apocalypse! Just $4.75....What a steal!

I think that's amazing!

Friday, September 2, 2011

I love to party!!!

Ok so I LOVE to throw parties. I love planning everything: invitations, party favors, the food, the cake, EVERYTHING! However, I HATE haveing parties thrown for me.

I know I'm weird.

I've had so many of my own party disappointments, that I would just rather not have a party at all. I don't even like celebrating my birthday, no good comes from it. For one, you're older, and for two some thing BAD always happens (at least on my birthday).

One year, my dad broke his leg and we ended up in the ER. Once I was pushed off a stage and injured my neck and I was in the ER. Once my own mother made me make my own birthday cake, claiming it was for someone else, then breaking it out later that day saying "Happy Birthday!" (I'll never let her live that one down). One time my wonderful husband tried to throw me a surprise birthday party. Only the person he asked to send the invitations out sent me one. So I knew about the party. But that's not the worst part....it was at Chucky Cheeses. I was in my twenties, and had no children at the time. Maybe this is a dream party for Nick, not so much for me.

All that being said, I love planning parties for other people. Probably because there's a part of me that wishes I had a party as AWESOME as the one I'm planning. But because of my anxiety disorder I wouldn't be able to handle a totally awesome party like the ones I plan.

Any who...I recently threw my good friend (I'll call her Katie, cause that's her name) a surprise baby shower. A lot of her friends are in Georgia, cause she grew up there. So it was kind of a mail order baby shower. I arranged for her friends to send gifts for her to my house. And her mom sneaked around to get her to the party. The theme was "A baby is brewing" and we had afternoon tea at a local tea room.  It was a ton of fun planning.

Here are some pictures from the party:



The Diaper Cake I made
The baby shower invitation
Notice the mug on the left, I made the little tea bag holders
The theme was "A Baby is Brewing!"
The gifts, I really didn't do those.

Ok so I know this post is a little boring....but I just wanted to show off my work.  I'm not only witty, I'm creative too.  And apparently conceited.  Oh well, I'll get over myself now.

If you EVER need a party planned, give me a call or a post, I would LOVE to help out!  (as long as your paying)