Friday, October 28, 2011

Another Shower Defiled.

So you may be aware of a previous blog post called I might as well buy Depends now. In which I peed all over the 24 hour fitness shower.  Well, it's sort happened again.

In order to tell this story properly, I have to start at the beginning. If you a  reader of my blog you know how I always talk about my FBB's   (read this post to understand).  My FBB's are my F*ing Big Boobs.  Well part of the largeness of my boobs is due to the fact I'm nursing.  However, Nick wants me to stop nursing.  We made an agreement that I would nurse until the baby was 6 months old (I honestly don't remember this conversation.) It proabably went something like this:

NICK: I think you should stop nursing at 6 months

ME: I think you should shut-up.

I guess he thought I was agreeing with him.

Today's the day.  Max is 6 months old today.  So slowly over the last few weeks I've been nursing less and less.  Yesterday I woke up at 4:45am and my boobs were the size of watermelons and as hard as a rock.  So I went and pumped.  Weird thing though, I only pumped 6 oz.  Normally I pump 10 ozs, and when I was done my right boob was still hard.

I decided I would deal with this problem later and go to the gym.  I went to the gym, when I got done I was taking my shower at the 24 hour fitness.  My boob was STILL killing me.  So I decided to take a closer look at it.  It appeared that one of the ducts was plugged with a chunk of milk.  I picked out the milk (more like I dug it out.....I think I actually screamed in the shower, but I can't remember if the screaming was in my head or if it was audible.)  As soon as the small pebble of milk was out my boob, it happened.  The water main broke....NOT the water main to the building.  To be more actuate I should say the milk main broke.  I don't have a picture to acurately describe what it really LOOKED like, but this is what it felt like:


It LITERALLY sprayed the WHOLE shower!!  I'm not gonna lie, it felt good!  But it was embarrassing that I have now defiled TWO showers at the gym.  Oh no, it wasn't the same shower that I peed in.  It was the one across from it.

It reminds me of that Robin Williams bit where he explains about cats and dogs owning things: (this youtube is a little crude, but so is this post)




So apparently I own two showers at the gym now.

Be careful, before you know it, I'll own your car!

p.s. Nick says this is a disturbing post.  I say "you married me, and that's a little disturbing in and of itself."


Monday, October 24, 2011

Proof that Elegance is worth $1061

So the following is video proof that my kids need BALLET lessons.




I about DIED laughing!!  I love my goof ball girls.  But this video goes to show that my girls NEED ballet/elegance lessons.

So PLEASE help support them by buying tickets to their performance of the Nutcracker Ballet.


Elegance is needed in our household!  Please help out! (I'm bad, I know)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Who Woulda Thunk?

I did NOT realize that having my children in ballet would mean that I'd have to take a second mortgage on my home.


My girls are both in the North Central Ballet Company's performance of the Nutcracker Ballet this Christmas.


About 3 months ago my girls wanted to audition for the Nutcracker Ballet.  So I thought, "ok, no big deal....it's an audition. Surely they won't get picked."  (isn't that horrible I was hoping they wouldn't get picked, what does that say about me?)

Well, they DID get picked.  Evie is a cherub and Kamri is a mouse, a Mother Ginger child and a Seraph!!!  Being apart of they ballet you have to do all this stuff.  You have to sell 10 tickets (per kid so that's 20 for me)., sell an advertisement in the program (2 for me, since I have 2 kids in it), you have to pay for all the the costumes (that's 4 for me, cause Evie's got 1 part and Kamri has 3 parts), AND parents have to volunteer for 2 volunteer positions (that's 4 for me). If you don't sell the the tickets or advertisements you have to pay for it yourself.

What was I thinking?!?!?

Calculating:
20 tickets x $30 each = $600
2 advertisements x $125 each = $250
4 costumes = $211
Total = $1061

For ONE freaking Ballet!!!! There goes Christmas!

Please if you and your family would like to help save me from insanity (ok, that's too late, cause I already committed to the Ballet) Please buy tickets from me!!

You can purchase tickets here.  For every 2 adult tickets you buy you can get 1 free kid ticket (regularly $25).

Normally I wouldn't advertise for things on my blog.  BUT FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!! Over $1000 is a little overwhelming!

Please if you purchase tickets let me know, so I can write you down as one of the plethora of tickets I have to sell.  Thank you friends in advance for helping me out!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

SOOOOO gonna do this....


Poor Nick....you might be getting a text like this from Nick, if you know him.  I'm so doing this!

**UPDATE:** So I did this to Nick....he was like "What the hell? Who is Albus Dumbledore?"  I put myself as Lord Voldemort.  It took him about 30 minutes to fix.  I laughed the WHOLE time.  He missed one name though....it's Mad-eye Moody....can't wait till they call him.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

What's Upsexy?

Saw this today:


So I decided to play this little trick on Nick.  This is what ensued:

ME: Did you smell the upsexy at home or is it just me?

NICK: the what?!

ME: What?

ME: What are you asking me?

(he calls me)

ME: Hello?

NICK: What are you talking about?

ME: What do you mean?

NICK: You texted me saying Did you smell the upsexy at home. What are you talking about?

ME: I don't know, what are you asking me?

NICK: Taren, You texted me, what did you mean?

ME: What exactly are you asking me?

NICK: What is upsexy?

ME: nothing much.

NICK:  TAREN, WHAT IS UPSEXY?

ME: (laughing) nothing much.

NICK: Nevermind, Taren, I don't know what you're talking about.

ME: Are you asking me what is upsexy?

NICK: Yes,

ME: Nothing much!

NICK: (silence)  I get it, I feel dumb.

ME: (laughing my head off).

NICK: Goodbye.

Love playing tricks on him.  He makes me smile!  Do you play tricks on your spouse? What kinds?  I need ideas!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Leave it to the Professionals

Monday is my crazy day!  Normally Nick's not home on Monday's.  But he took Monday off to celebrate Columbus day with the family (it's kind of like Lief Ericsson day (yer-ga-her-ga)  only slightly better, you get a day off).

Do you ever wonder WHY we celebrate Columbus day, when Columbus didn't even discover North America?  That's just crazy! I digress....

Monday's are crazy. After school Evie has ballet at 4:30-5:30, Kamri has ballet from 5:30-6:30, Evie has Girl Scouts from 6:00-7:30.  In between that time, I have to make supper, feed the baby, change diapers, help with homework and whatever else needs to be done.

Since Nick was home, I assumed we'd share the load. (Visions of Samwise Gamgee saying "Share the Load" are popping in my head.)  Well, 1) never ASSUME.  My dad-in-law says "assuming makes an ass out of you and me." I'm sure he stole it from someone, but it's the smartest thing I've ever heard him say, so I'm crediting him for that one. And 2) Apparently sharing the load is NOT part of my job description.

I was in between getting Kamri to ballet and picking up Evie, I pulled out meat and started defrosting it in the microwave.  I told Nick on my way out, "When that's done start browning it." He was busy playing with Avery and Max, but he said "ok."  Which to me means "I understand, I will do that."

So I take Kamri to ballet, pick-up Evie and take her to Girl Scouts.  I'm there for a while cause I have questions.  I get home walk in the door, put everyone's stuff away and ask Nick "Where's Kamri?"

NICK: She was with you, what'd you do with her?

ME: Oh yeah, I forgot she's at Ballet, I better go get her.  I'll be right back.

I head to Ballet, I'm a few minutes early.  She gets done, we head home.

It's been 30 minutes since I asked Nick if he would brown the meat.  Guess what?  It's still sitting in the microwave.

ME: Nick! I asked you to brown this.

NICK: I'm busy.

ME: Really?? Cause it looks like you are laying on the ground letting Avery pounce on you and Max drool on you.

NICK:  I had to keep them busy.

ME:  Some how I keep them busy while I make dinner, it never stopped me.

NICK:  Well you're a professional.

ME: (laughing) I'm a professional?  Professional what?

NICK: Professional mom, you can do everything.


Then it dawned on me.  I am a professional.  I run a small business.  I have to organize finances, make sure my product (children) is/are presentable and well educated.  I have to make sure the store front (home) is clean.

The pay is crap...but it's still fulfilling.  I'm just wishing we can "Share the LOOOAAAAAAADDDDD."

Are you a professional?  What do you do to keep it all together? (Or not, cause frankly I'm crazy)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Purses, boobs and other musings

I love how my girls love to play "grown up." They will play dress up, or doctor, or push the baby in the stroller.  They love to play "real life" things.  In fact, just this morning I over heard my two year old, Avery, saying "LOOK AT ME BABY, OR I HIT YOU."  I caught her just in time to stop the blow to the baby dolls face. Poor baby doll!  I don't know what that baby did, but she was about to get a beating before Grandma Taren stepped in. (I actually made Avery sit in the naughty chair because I was disturbed at her anger toward this poor helpless baby. My first thought was "did she get this from me?"  But I have NEVER punched any of my kids in the face, so I'm pretty sure she didn't get it from me.)

After a three minute time out, Avery continued playing with the baby, only this time much gentler.  As she was playing I was cleaning up. I picked up an old purse of mine that was on the ground that I had given them to play with. I opened it up and this is what I found:


In the purse is a robot dog, legos, polly pocket and other random toys.  My first thought was, "I wish I could carry just legos." Don't know what I'd do with legos, but it seems more interesting that hand sanitizer and mini depends.

Another thing I LOVE is when my husband plays with our kids.  The girls go crazy like he's their personal horse, wrestling partner, story teller, whatever!  It's so cute! Yesterday, they were playing dolls together.  They have these dolls similar to paper dolls, only the clothes are magnetic.  When I came home Nick was SO proud he wanted to show me what they made.


To which Nick said "This (pointing to the blonde) is mommy before kids.  Long blonde hair and small boobs.  This (pointed the the brunette) is mommy after kids, brown hair in a bun, with super big boobs."

Thanks Nick, I'm so glad you are teaching our girls all about self confidence! (although I do have to say that the brunette really does look like me, arms up and all.  Me saying "I give up!").


What do you love about when your kids play? Is your husband as dorky as mine is?  (Gotta love a man who plays Barbies with his little girls though).

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Stupid News Sunday

I haven't done a Stupid news Sunday in a while. Not because there was lack of stupid news....OH NO, there are many stupid news stories. In fact I would say there is a plethora of stupid news. But here's this weeks Stupid News:



Apparently Stan Lee and friends are having a hard time creating a new line of comics. That or people are so illiterate that they decided to make comic books out of Classical literature. On CNN there was an article about Marvel comic's turning classical books into comic books.  Some how I don't think Jane Austen would approve of comic-booking her Emma.

Jane Austen's Emma

Good news for the zombieing world on Fox News.  October 8th has been declared World Zombie Day!  This is the next big step for equality among zombies.

And on the stupidest news outlet of them all, MSNBC If intelligent ET exists, what about God? Apparently Christians are so closed minded that we can't possible believe that there are aliens out there on other planets.  That if there are aliens it poses the questions "Did Jesus Die for Klingons too?"  

If there aren't aliens, God is the ultimate waster of space and He's not as creative as I thought.  If he can make a world full of comic-book-loving-jane-austen-zoombies, he can make world full of Klingon-loving-space-craft-flying-funny-faced aliens. 

There is so many things we will never understand (like the trinity) I think that posing the question "Did Jesus die for Klingons?" falls into the category "too big for your suitcase" (which means too big for you to understand, so just don't bother packing it in your bag.)

Not really a funny post, just pointing out that news media is as dumb as a box of hair sometimes.

Which classical book would you want made into a comic book?  Or do you think there are aliens?  Just curious to know what you think.

picture credits here and here